My Thoughts and Feelings, aren't easy to write down at the Moment.
My Fiance miscarried our Daughter recently, we were going to name her Lucinda Angel Rose Ischariot... I am having trouble dealing with this, and the person I want to turn to I cannot...
She said she wants to try agaon, and I dont know If I can handle It, But I will anyway.
I have declared a kind of Mental War on John Preston to help pass the time and take my focus away from it, I seem to be winning, but winning is only an illusion, needed only by the weak and the scared, but it is serving the purpose of taking my mind of it, for awhile anyway.
I am trying to forget that I am looking at the world through a keyhole, becuase If I can understand why, or at least decieve myself enough to hve an answer in a world without answers or solid rules, maybe, maybe, It will help.
But I think that knowing everything is possible and there is no ground underneath me is too much a part of me to lie about, and I am not very good at lyng anyway, especially to myself.

Evan

Well Angel is Pregnant again. This time Our Childs Past the danger point and I am looking forward to its birth, Yay Me!!
Lately I have got so much going on that I am having trouble sleeping.
My Typing Has Gotten pretty bad, I keep abbreviating words accidentely, because I keep missing letters.
My Mother is Dying the Slow Death Of MS. I cant help feeling how horrible it is for her as she slowly get caged up in her body, and has more and more trouble thinking. I want to help her somehow but she is so far away, and she is looking after so many other people, how can I interupt her life like that?
Still jobless I just cant get the motivation up to do anything about it, although none of my friends see me being hired by someone, who really wants to hire some one who bothers them without even opening their mouths?
My Best Friend and I started talking again, although she seems to have stopped talking to me for some unknown reason once more. I think it is the unknown that hurt the most, I am not so curious that I like not knowing hurtful things.
All I seem to be wanting lately is sleep, I cant sleep, I seem to lay in bed most nights just laying there thinking about things, wondering if it is all going to get better.
The worst thing that could happen to me happened along time ago, and it was worse than Death, but this does not mean I want to remain unhappy, or that I like the state my life is in.
Why Does it Hurt so much to Love?

You know I don't think I am the kind of person that other people can comfort. Its like my problems are my problems, sure I'll talk to you about them, but you really are there to listen that's all.
You have no real say in how I am going to deal with it, and any words you say will be considered, maybe ignored.
But any words of comfort given to me, wont make the situation any better, nor will it make my nightmares go away.
The best anyone can hope to give me is the knowledge that they care, and guess what, it doesn't make it hurt less, it doesn't make it more bearable, because no matter how much you care, I cannot share this emotion with you.
I cannot stand there and bleed before you, why? because its mine, for alls its sick beauty it is my pain to deal with, and no matter how much I show it to you, you cannot take it away.
When my brother died, people said how they would turn back time if they could. Well you cant so just deal wwwith the pain, I mean come on, running from it, hiding in dark corners pretending it isn't there does not help. I've been there, I own the movie and the t-shirt... no thanx not again.
Now I face it, on my own, because thats the way life works, people can understand my trial and my path, but in no way, no how can they walk it for me.
With their pretty little smiles saying how it will get better, and their little words of encouragement, And all I want to do is tell them to go screw a picket fence, this is my problem, you cant really help me, your not the one who has to bleed until there is nothing left to give.
And these days there is nothing left to give, Do you know that I dont even know when I smile? I am told I don't smile that often.
I dont know how I feel anymore, I have to watch how I react to things to know. Its like I've cauterized my heart, so I know longer have to feel anything, but I know that if I think about it, I am going to bleed.
I miss my Daughter.

Another Night of Ansomnia, waiting for my body to cave in so my mind stops keeping me awake.
Why? I ask myself why? I know I am stressed I've been drinking far too much coffee and smoking to many rollies, but why?
What is upsetting me so much deep down inside.
All I want is to be a good person, and to make Angel Happy and Be a good Dad to our child, and all this staying awake is not helping this.
I dont know what is wrong with me. Al my writing has stopped dead because I cannot feel. I am to tired to feel to tired to think, I played guitar all day, and still I do not feel better.
Why? I ask you why?
Why have I forsaken myself? Along time ago I found I was inlove with my misery and got over it. Now I find myself slipping into my suicidal wakefulness all over agian with no knowledge or understanding of what drives me to this place of Death.
I will no let the Corrision get me, as it strikes me again, for I know it too well, its thristy draught of Despair shall not pass my lips again, and I will not falter into the pit of Self loathing once more.
Why is it that people can be selfish, and enjoy giving something for nothing? I do not find it hard to feed someone who needs it, nor sit down and listen to a perfect strangers problems, why is it that so many people will leave a person crying, broken on the street, when just a little time and they could make the world a better place.
This is the world I have given my duaghter, a world where her step father raped a woman, and cheated on his wife. This is the World I grant my unborn child one where her grandfather is a man who is too much of a monster to meet.
This is a world I grant my children and I ask myself, does this world deserve something so precious?

I was talking to my best friend across MSN today. She seems upset, but as always she is scared. And she transfered this fear to me once more.
I know that I am a very private person, and that yes there is only one thing in life I fear, and that is me... Everything else can kill me, but I can make my life Hel for an eternity.
I mean I understand that she is unhappy, and I even know why she is afraid not to be unhappy and how it protects her, because despair did the same for me. But still the blame is not mine.
Nor does she understand that she can not hurt me, why is the power to hurt me so important? Usually I change the subject on her because I am worried it will hurt her, or that she will misunderstand... but always it becomes something personal for her... Like I am upset, when I am upset, it is not her who has upset me, but something hidden within...Or she thinks I am running.. and sometimes I am... She seems so obbsessed with the idea that if I truly care she should hurt or upset me more....
When the worst has already happened to me many times over, there is no more room for hurt...

Today can honestly be racked up in the bad days catergory.

Got PMs about this Diary...*shakes head* By people not even thread related... Angel has gone to her mothers for the night.

I dont even have the words for this... ARRGGGHHH!! Post it!

I sometimes wonder what it would be like to fear death.
For as long as I can remember I have wanted to die, and known that dying wouldn't really make a hell of a difference to me, what I was running from would still be with me.
Not that I terribly want to die anymore, the last time I tried to Kill myself, I realised I wanted to Live, but I also realised I looked forward to dying. Sometimes I get so tried like an old man, and I listen to the people around me, and everything they say sounds trivial, and I think I am old, to old for this.
But at the same time I savour every moment of it, because I know that this is the last moment I will see them. Strange thought, but true, when they arrive again they will not be the same people who left, no matter how long ago the left, there is no going back.
People are changing all the time, and second to second your are losing people you know, we are all dead. Simple, and wasting any second of it, knowing that everything is already gone and the world is over, then we deserve every regret and every misfortune laid upon us, for if you dont enjoy this moment, any moment, because they are gone all to soon, and will not return, then all we deserve is the aching lonliness and unfufilment because we did not care enough to love.
Love our friends and see the gift that it is to have them here, now. To love the ones that are dead and gone, and know that you laughed. To enjoy a laugh with Death. For When Everything Is gone, Death is the only thing left, and in time you will see that Death was by yourside always, your friend and companion, and when you are tired or in pain, Death shall take you in its arms and take it all away.

There Is No Justice Only Me - Death, Terry Pratchet.

i feel obliged to say something consoling. but it won't help you. you said it yourself.

i'm glad you want to live anyway. for the sake of the people who you love and love back. then again, i'm starting to deny death. like i don't believe in it. i can't happily imagine anything but the now [and i don't mean imagination wise, i mean logically], so why believe in it.

I am doing a course called Lifeworks, and in it I have to read this book. And it got me thinking, I fall in love with my friends alot, and dont really realize it. I know this because my girlfriends and other friends point it out to me from time to time.
The point is I dont realize, because I dont think about it. I dont care if they love me back, nor do I want more from our relationship, whats important is that I feel love for them, so whats to think about?
I find this interesting, many people in my life say how unhappy they are and how no one really cares, but I look at my life and I am rich in love. I am rich because I love them, and can give of myself without having to concern myself with what others will give me, and it makes me wonder really how much richer people could be if they would just let themselves love and not care if they love.
Strange but true. I think the world would be better off it people weren't under the impression that love is reciprocated. Love belongs to the heart and no one can take it away from you, it lives within. It does not die when your partner stops loving you back. I am never ashamed to love someone who has hurt me... I am just not stupid enough to let them do it again.