i write to get out things and even though it isnt amazing.. it still helps me and i guess that is all that really matters. this is something i wrote the other day. i am having some problmes with my husband.


The passion will never die
This feeling won't fade
It is deep in me
Happiness and love
But why are the memories seeming so far away

Try to understand the changes
Try to understand
Cry out
Please get me
Tears pour out
Words are supposed to help
They don't

No more blame
Listen and try to be open minded
For the sake of each other
Dont hold back and tear down the walls
Let yourself be deeply in love

Or
Will I turn black inside
Or will the worries just disappear
Mind cant stop
Keep it all locked up
Throw away the key
No expression
No weakness
Poison your soul

Cant recognize myself
Not anymore
What is the issue

Scared
Wanting to stay true to myself
What happened to this
My fault
It is

Hardest part
Realizing it
What matters though
Is the actions
To make things better
Or worse

In the end
Is there any compromise
Can each side take the negative
and make it positive

Dont give up on it
My walls are down
Wanting
To just be
How it was

February 4th
-Well the good news is that I don't have HPV. So, that doesn't need to be bothering me anymore. I will be flying out to see my husband on the 13th. We will be moving into the new apartment on the 16th, but Keith wants me there for Valentine's day. Yay! We have been fighting a lot, but we have been apart for so long that it is starting to wear on us. BUT... we are almost there.

Hmm I have been slacking in the journal compartment. So, let's see.

Keith and I are getting divorced. He decided that we are too young and that he doesn't love me anymore. He thought he did, but he didn't. I guess what we are going to try to do (which is pretty fucked up and I don't know what I am even agreeing to this) is be friends again. We were best friends before we got together. We haven't really talked, and the last time we did he told me that he has a girlfriend who is a foreign exchange student from India. Yeah.

So, what I have been trying to do is concentrate on me. I am looking for a good job so I can get things moving. I live in a little tiny town so there really isn't very many places to go to and try. I am going to be going to college hopefully next year if I can get everything straight. I feel like I have to start from square one again since I put my whole plan on hold because I was waiting for the soon to be ex-husband to get outta basic and where he is supposed to so we could live with each other again.

I went out on a date last night. A really good friend of mine and I have been hanging out a lot and he asked me out on a date. We went to Applebee's and went to go see the move The Bucket List. It was good. I enjoyed it. I think it was a little soon for me to go out on a date, but I had a really good time. I am just really confused on how to go about everything.

You know.. when it is all said and done.. I have been putting on a real act for everyone around here (family, friends, Keith) that I am going to be ok. And I am really not sure on whether or not I am going to be. It has been a while since it happened... and it is still a real shock to me. I don't know why but it is. Part of me thinks that I am going to wake up from a real bad dream and it all will be the way it was. I know it's not. It sucks.

I miss him

It will take time, but you will get past it.

Well now that me and Keith aren't together he is interested in what I am doing and where I am. He calls up the parents and tries to hunt me down. I don't get it. If he really didn't care anymore and he wanted to be just friends then why is he freaking out and wanting to know if I am out with a guy? I don't know what he is trying to get at. Is he just trying to make sure I am not moving on or does he still want to be together but is to chicken shit to admit it? I don't know. He is so confusing.

Sounds about right.

It's been a short while and he is realizing he lost you. As with most men, once a relationship as serious as a marriage ends, they will want it back. It's common anywhere from 6 weeks to 6 months down the road.

I remember my 'Year of Insanity" well.. But then again, it was she who left me..

I think he now knows he lost something good..

he is hiding it well...

It's part hiding it and part posession.

he had it, doesn't want to loose it, but doesn't want to give up his changes either.

Just remember, at this point he is your ex for a reason. Any attempts at trying to get back together are either going to breed resentment, or cause even more hurt.

It might work out, but it would be a long, painful process if you tried to take him back.

Well, I am at the point where I have been coming to reality on how he really treated me. And it wasn't as good. And now that I do think about it.. the good times didn't outweigh the bad times. So, thank you for giving me some guy prospective. It's what I need right now. Seriously. Girls aren't very much help when it comes to guys doing what they do.

You're welcome.

Well I figured I would give an update. It's not like there are any real readers but this is fun so off I go!

I have been pretty damn busy lately. Keith about two weeks ago decided to tell me that he was coming back... for about a week to get some things taken care of. He told me also that he didn't know if he wanted a divorce. He wanted to see if he was still in love with me. He didn't even think about how the head game would affect me. Well, he ended up changing his mind, and didn't come back yet because he has to get his head on straight. He is now in the substance abuse program and is trying to get his life together. The divorce will cost $3400. He is paying every penny. And ... he admitted to me that he had been cheating on me towards the end before he told me he wanted a divorce. I no longer talk to him.. I have told him to leave me the hell alone and let me get on with my life.

Well, Chris and I are officially together and he is one of the most wonderful men I have ever been with. He spoils me with affection, and he treats me really good. We spend pretty much every moment we can together and he still isn't sick of me (must be at least a little good) and I am honestly happy. I am not taking it too fast... just letting things take their natural course.

I have two jobs now.. one in a nursing home and another in a bar. I waitress for a grill that they have in the back.. and I make pretty good money. So, I am getting enough here pretty soon so I can move out of the in-laws place and get my own place with a friend of mine.

All in all.. I am finally myself again. And I am really happy. Things are finally get accomplished that needed to be. Things are getting a lot better and it is about damn time. lol. woot!

I actually DO read these!!

glad to hear things are improving for you!

What you mean chasing turkeys? I thought your second job was at a nursing home.

It's good to hear from you again. Keep us updated as you can.

i would think the bar job would be considered 'chasing turkeys' as well! LOL

Hello Rose.

We're here for you.

It's better chasing the toms then trying to herd hogs so keep it up and you'll get used to it. Eventually, you might even get promoted to a job that doesn't require playing tag with them.

As for seeing your ex, just keep telling yourself that you're not together anymore. It won't be easy but it will help.