I hesitated a lot in posting this. one, because i never let people in so this is realy hard for me. two, because i'll have to give you backstory and i don't want to bore anyone and this is going to take a while. and three, because i didn't think anyone would read it or have any advice. i don't think that anything can get my ex-girlfriend melanie back, but for some reason, i did decide to post this. i appreciate anyone who reads it.

ok, so we met in march of last year. i didn't find her attractive cuz she's not my type physically and i am not attractive, so she didn't even look at me twice. especially since she was straight (i am a girl). we had mutual friends and so we kept hanging out together and she was SO smart, funny, kind, and interesting. then we started hanging out alone. fast foraward to the beginning of june and i told he ri was in love with her. it happened SO fast and it was my first lvoe ever.

one of my issues besides my trust issues is my territorial bubble. i have never in my entire lif elet ANYONE touch my face for any reason whatsoever. except for her. when i told her i loved her, i put her hand on my face. by then we were best friends and she knew everything about me and i knew everything about her and we couldn't possibly be closer friendship-wise. so she knew the big deal this was.

a few weeks later she kissed me in front of some friends of ours and it lost us a lot of friendships.

a week after that we were going out everyday and making out all the time. eventually leading to sex. she still insisted that she was straight and that i was different. we were eachother's first everything. except i was her second love. she had loved before. and i guess what we had wasn't the same as she felt for the man she couldn't have, because after being together for four months, inseperable, completely in love, she left me with no explanation.

she is at school in florida and i spent 600 dollars to visit her and she dumped me on the phone while i was on the 36 hour bus ride from baltimore to miami to see her. i got there and it was as if nothing had happened. she acted like she never dumped me and we fucked all weekend. then when i got on the 48 hours bus ride back home she told me it was definitely over.

we decided to stay friends so i wasn't totally heartbroken about it because the friendship was way more important to me than anything else. i loved her as a friend first and foremost. i just wanted her in my life. that worked for about a week until she told me that she was dating a guy. a WEEK after we broke up. a MONTH after she told me she was in love with me.

i talked to her roommate and she said she was confused and that she still loved me. so i got pissed. and when melanie told me she was with eric, i blew up. told her to "fuck her brains out, have fun." i understand that i was wrong. i know that that was the worst possible thing i could have done. ever. especially since she is the type of person to hold a major grudge for a lifetime.

i said sorry a million times and tried to convince her that i only wanted her to be happy. i becamse suicidal again and started cutting like i did when i was younger.

i couldn't talk to anyone or even go to work. she wouldn't talk to me.

she came back to visit home during xmas (she's at school til may) and we saw eachother and things were going great. we talked and hung out and everything was wonderful. she broke up with eric befor eshe cam here, and so that wasn't an issue either. we were even going to sleep together but then didn't have the chance. then the day before she left back to school she told me off. told me to fuck msyelf and to never talk to her again. so i bitched her out and left. that was jan. 4th, and i haven't spoken to her since. she changed her email and i can't bring myself to call.

i miss her so much. i am dying without her. she was my life. i can't even take off the ring she gave me last year. i can't breathe without her. i need her back.

i am looking for magic spells, advice, tricks, anything. i can't live like this.

i should also tell you... i am dying of cancer. they told me i'd go this year, but i think i have a bit longer. i can fight it and take medication and chemo but i see no point. you'll probably think i am stupid, but if you knew my life, my past, and my current home life, you'd understand that it isn't just melanie. the point is, i may never see her again before i die. i know she still loves me and i know sh eknows that i still love her. how do i get her to get over he rpride and stubbornness and talk to me? she is REALLY hard-headed and won't talk to me EVER just to prove she is right, you know?


HEEEEELLLLLPPPP!!!!!!

Oh, more side notes... I sent her flowers anonymously on Valentine's Day, and I know she knows it was me.
And I have a letter she wrote me the day after i left miami that says in one part "i need you in my life even if i fight it. fight for me, don't let me go." i was thinking of sending this back to her with that part highlighted and a note telling her that i'll never let her go (not to sound like titanic). what do you think?

wow... thats a through list...

there is only one point i have to make... no matter what happened in the past, do you want this chica to be a part of your death? because it sounds like you're just trying to put your affairs in order.

I assume she knows too, your end is due? If not, leave her a note, an invitation to talk, and ensure she knows it is the last invitation she can expect... literally.

yeah she knows. her mom told her.

First off, if she was with another guy a month after saying she was in love with you, then she was never truly in love with you. Not being rude, that's just the truth. Secondly, you need to let go and move on, I know it hurts, but you're not helping anything and you're not going to. Find something else to occupy your life. Third, Why on earth do you cut yourself? It doesnt' help a damn thing, all it does it leave you bloody and scarred. Cutting is just damn stupid, and it's a cowardly thing to do. Fourth of all... Not to be rude, but with all the things newbies claim on the advice board, I don't really believe that you're dying of cancer, it sounds like something to get attention. However if you are in fact dying, then now would be the time to go out and do those things you've always wanted to do. I know if I was dying, I would be parachuting from planes and bunjee jumping every other day, and in the time inbetween, I'd be racing my car at Sebring.

thanks for your input. i understand your skeptiscism about the cancer/attention. lots of people think that. it's ok. but it's true. and in the past three months i have gone bungee jumping, parasailing, skydiving, water skiing, jet skiing, rock climbing and more. so your right, i agree.

i know i should move on, which is why i posted this. i guess i am trying to get it out of my system or something. there is no way to get her back, so i have to move on.

as for the cutting, that is your opinion. you can't state that it is stupid. you can say "i think it is stupid." because i have been cutting since i was 11 and it has stopped me from doing a LOT worse things. so it isn't stupid to me.

self mutilation is one of those things that instantly shouts "weak"... if you cant find more constructive ways then you might as well get it over with...

you're so predictable...

self-mutilation has stoppe dme form killing myself and hurting others. so i think of it as a blessing.
and anyways, i don't take it that far.

if you knew me at all you'd say i was the strongest person you know. but you dont.
this is an advice thread, not a judgement thread.
if you're not going to help, stay the hell away.

'k 'k guys, enough with the flaming... Opinions about selfmutilation can go into the cutting thread. Stick to the main topic here... A girl claims to be dying and wants to clear things with her ex (who she claims to still love, with those feelings returned). How to break down a wall of pride?

and i'm a girl

just tell her you love her, and always will, but you have to move on...do you really want to spend that last bit of your life pining over a girl(no matter how magnificent you perceive her) that shows you no interest other than friends...it may be that she does not want to return your affections because you are dying. I don't know, but let her go and enjoy what you have left...and just know that you must have meant something to her. It's better to be remembered fondly than not at all...

I am going to say this, I used to cut myself along time ago, because I hurt so much inside the physical pain was the only thing that could take my mind off of it. So I kinda know what you are going through with that.
But you have to realize that it isn't solving anything, while you cut yourself, those emotions are still sitting there, and if you can't talk to her, find some other way to get them out... Write Bad Goth Poetry, Draw some Pictures, Eat Noodles on a Park Bench Naked if it Helps, Providing there are no kids around.(It would at least be good for a laugh and a Ride home if your Stuck in Town, Cops can be Good like that Sometimes)

but after today, i am over it. someone said something to me today that at first made me want to kill them and myself. but then it made me think. i don't want melanie back. if i had her back, i would only live in fear that i'd lose her again. and it wouldn't last if she is running away from me and her sexuality. i want her as a friend, but that can't happen either. i wouldn't be able to handle her dating other people. yes i love her, and i'll miss her til the day i die. but i can't fight for her anymore.

that's exactly what i was thinking

i know what you must be feeling right now and i know that it must suck a lot. i thought i was in love for a time. we broke it off but went out again three years later...then he cheated on me. i also self mutilate and i know how it relieves some of the pain. i feel for you and the agony that you must be going through. you never forget your first love. if you've had any changes in thoughts about this girl, believe me, magick is not a good idea, besides the fact that it can backfire on you. if its okay with you though, i could say a little prayer for you for strength and healing. that is, if you'd like me to. i wish you the best of luck in the remainder of your short life. blessed be,

wow, silverflame, you restored my faith in these message boards. thank you. and yes, a prayer would be nice, thanks.
i am doing a little better now.
take care.

-is there any way i can erase this thread? it serves no purpose anymore.

Alright I usually wouldnt read something thhaaaat long...but i got into it.You see my ex left me because I was too depressed and he felt i pushed him away and this whole marijuana issue(which i quit...)We were okay I tried getting him back it couldnt work.He said I'd get over him (im not fully straight..just to clue you all in...NO that doesnt make me special and unique)Bluntly put...me and him wernt going to happen.I cried everyday attempted sucide.Now I find out he likes my friend aimee.I mean and then my friend had t0 help at a dance and i went there to pick her up we had to go somewhere...i saw him ...i ran.I told kristen i was going to the jungle gym cuz i had a rope in my bag...i went..she told him he ran after me.

........my situation is different.and it seems this girl was either using u or felt ashamed.You need to get through to her.Im very sorry about your illness.

so ehm are all of you people just heartless and dumb?
i'm getting really pissed off by these fucked up replies
what the fuck's up with "self mutilation is one of those things that instantly shouts "weak"... if you cant find more constructive ways then you might as well get it over with."

damn, are u people so dumb..or maybe only ignorant??has anyone here ever felt like exploding, totally hopeless and still trying to fight..find a way out..NO ONE judge it before you've done it yourself cuz destructive or not if it helps you so be it..i know it myself and damn i hate all these prejudices
the fact u are still alive proves you're strong..
i have so much more to say but right now i feel kind of frustrated...these replies are weak, not the person who asked for advice..damn..it sucks that my english isn't good cuz' i'd like to say so much more...
anyway..about the girl..in my opinion it's not becuz' she dated someone else after she broke up with u, she doesn't love u..there could be so many reasons..as a matter of fact i do think she loved-loves u..otherwise she wouldn't always come back..i think she's just fucked up herself and...waiting for you..i i were you i'd certainly go over there and tell her everything u feel cuz' u know u have to...
i'm just..not very good at giving advice, but i'm gonna think about it...sorry