Ignore the name, I'm not a newbie. I felt I needed a place to post my feelings without any pre-judgement.

My mum just called me to tell me that my cousin's baby has just died. He was just over a year old and had been sick since birth. I hardly ever see my cousin anymore, gone are the days of childhood when we would get together at each others houses for Christmas and birthdays. I'm going to send a sympathy card, and I don't even know how to spell my cousin's wifes name. I've never met her, and I never met the baby.

I remember bumping into my cousin in town one night, he was so proud that his little boy was doing so well after such a bad start, and I made a promise to visit. A promise that I intended to fulfill, but I put it off, and put it off. Now I see I should have made that effort, every minute is precious.

I thought about my mum, and how it must have been for her to give me the news. Her first daughter died in childhood a little under a year old. It must have brought back so many memories for her.

I'm writing this here, becuase I need to write. I need to put down the things in my head. At this point, I'm not even sure I will continue with this journal. I don't want a pity party, and I don't want this to be a journal of moaning, and depression, should I decide to continue with it. More a place to say what I want to say, a place to get things off my chest that I wouldn't normally say.

I don't know how someone copes with the loss of a child, it must be the most heart-wrenching thing you could possibly go through.

Anyway, I will write the card, and I will try to say the right thing, I just want them to know that I do care, life really is too short.

I'm now questioning my intelligence. I've always thought I was pretty smart, got good grades in school, went on to college and got good grades there too. Got a job, worked my way up. Now I seem to have platued (sp), I don't seem to have the capacity to learn anything new, or rather, I just don't remember facts that I ought to given a topic I'm interested in.

I'm afraid of giving my opinions, for fear of sounding stupid. Yet all my friends say I'm capable of it, and more. Am I just lazy? I have, and have had a nice life. Sure, the shit's hit the fan a few times, one particular time I scraped myself of the floor and got on with my life, but I haven't had that much of a hard time compared to many others. Is this why I'm happy to just 'be'?

It does bother me sometimes, for example - being given junior tasks at work because of the level I work at, and I think 'I'm better than this' but I don't seem to have the motivation to prove it. Do I care? I think I do.

I can't hold an argument to save my life, I hate confrontation. In an argument, unless I'm certain I'm right - I end up seeing the opposing side's point of view. Not a bad thing some might say, but I feel it makes me look wet and unopinionated. Is that a bad thing?

I've done very little with my life really, but all in all I'm happy. I just feel that I'm lacking 'something' - I should learn more, stand up for what I believe in more. I am not stupid, I'm just lacking knowledge.... Maybe that's why I don't get involved in arguments too.

Or maybe, I like to see the world through rose tinted spectacles.. And then I can't help wondering, becuase my life has been pretty steady and happy, something bad is going to happen to me.. Karma?

Enough for now.

I feel alone, and yet I have so many friends and a pretty much happy existence. Yet, something is lacking. Hours spent on the internet searching for something. Maybe I'm searching in all the wrong places. I don't even know what it is that's missing, but something must be.

My hedonisitc lifestyle makes me question my existence. Am I hedonistic because I hate reality?

If it's missing then it's missing in yourself. You just sound the type of person who wants a pleasurable type of peace in your life, someone who seeks out harmony with others? Heh I`m not all that sure

you should keep writing. your thoughts are beautiful.

thank you both.

Well, I went out to a local music festival today, it made me feel alive, it was sunny and humid, but everyone was there for one purpose, to see live music by local bands and have a good time. After that, I went out to a Gothic Nightclub, and the same thing, everyone there to have a good time.

It made me wonder about my reasons for animosity. We are all here on this earth for whatever reason, and life is beautiful. Why is it that some people don't accept that? These are the people that make life hard when it need not be.

I always say 'good news is no news' according to the media. Good news doesn't make headlines - it's so easy to think about the bad things in life, and forget about the good things. But there are so many good things - they just don't make headlines.

Everyone thinks that way now and again I think, just not at the same time. If they did then it would last longer, not dilute so quickly.

How very right you are. Still, it's a shame that that's the way it is.

The London terrorist attacks got me thinking today about how fragile life is. It's not the first time I've felt like this, but things like this make it seem more real. What bothers me most is the knowledge that one day you could be going about your daily business, maybe on your way to work, planning what you are going to do for dinner that evening, and all of a sudden... nothing. You're dead.

I sometimes get into a state about this when just getting in a car... one wrong turn and you could be involved in a crash. Just crossing the street could be your demise. I try not to think about stuff like this too much, as I fear I would go insane and never leave the house.

I suppose the old cliche is the best 'enjoy life while you can'.

OK - I'm posting this because Kendra wanted to see my journal, or rather, thought it a good idea that I had one. Well, I do, and this is it. I started this journal under another name as I didn't want anybody to read it and have any pre-conceived ideas about me.

I'll let you in on a secret. The only people to reply to this journal have been Red and Quiet. Red didn't know it was me, and Quiet actually guessed it after a while. They are the only people here that knew this was me, and I swore them to secrecy. I'm sorry I left people out that I should have told, but sometimes it's easier to say what you feel without people judging you. I hope that makes sense.

Anyway, there's no need for the duel identity now - this is me, bared.

wow i had no idea that you were dust and that you've all ready had a journal but under a different name. while mainly since i didn't know dust very well and didn't care to know about dust i left while after i've read the first two sentence of your journal. i became very passive about it and blew this journal off and forgot about dust and didn't even give my self a chance to know dust. but if i new that it was you mia i would of stayed and continued to read on and leave you responces. mainly when it would come to having a journal i've been having the same kind of fears as you been having. like always being worried about my journal not sounding too good or being interesting enough for people at all to read. much less even having to make any kind of sence once so ever and souding as if i have alot to complain about and that its depressing. but you know what a journal can't be perfect all the time. because people don't have there lives to be set out that way. so its hard to sit here and be a prude about it.

you'll find people that are going to be interested in you as a person and for what you have to say. not everything has to be and sound all fine and fantastic within a journal. becase you are the one who created it and mainly you get to do whatever it is that you mainly fucking want to do.


don't worry so much about anything when it would come to journalism. i think that is what journalism is about. what good would a journal do if you can't be able to let go of all and everything about you as a person? basically the journals would be for shit and it would seriously be pointless to have a journal. eventhough yes its true not everyone tells the whole truth within a journal which is why they have so many others that they keep to themselves in a private kind of a manner. journals aren't ment to be perfect all the time. a journal is like reading a book about someone. you get to know about the character and you feel all of what they feel and you go through all of what they go through. you get to share all of there times and adventures. wether its through good and bad times till death throug us part. journal is like another form of art. your expressing your self in it. while with art nothing has to look perfect because people would seriously like it and buy it even if its a fucking piece of shit. samething with the journal sweetie. there isn't much of a difference.

people on darkforum seriously love the fucking crap out of you. since they love the crap out of you. what do you have to worry about to begin with?


with me i'm interested in your life and i'm interested in your thoughts. i read it from the beginning and all the way down to your last entry. you have beautiful thoughts and you can seriously make people feel and think about something. reading about you is like reading a newspaper. you are our thoughts, feelings, world, news, and events kind a female on darkforum.

so really there is no need to apologize or even feel ashamed because we all love you and its ok.

Kendra - thank you so much! What you said means a lot, and you already know me so well from what you posted. Thank you

And Hi Edge! Surprise! LOL

Well, hopefully now my double identity is sorted out, I can post here more often (switching between logins is such a pain).

well, now you've freed me from my secret.

LOL! Thanks for keeping it so Quiet. Trust is a big issue with me

funny thing is, even i read thru this journal before mia

and i hadnt thought that it was you lol!


*hugs*

feel free to drop by mine sometime.

not a problem and your welcome

You can't suprise me.


It's all good though.

Thankies - yer all cool beans!

see i told you miababes!

Miababes - haha! a friend of mine calls me that

Guess I should do an update sometime soon, maybe tomorrow