Eh... today I feel really lonely... I don't know why. Maybe it's because my mother doesn't love me... maybe it's because noneo f my friends can come over, and I'm kinda upset with Chelsea... I don't know... but I'm really lonely. ^_^' Today I was craving blood so bad... damn vampirism... should never have started... oh well. My blood partner is in Russia, too, so I guess no biting there. Wrote two poems... one's called The Dark and the other is called The Light. Boy do they suck... maybe I'll post one on here so people can read it... ha, like anyone will read it... I keep trying to put a little light into people's lives, and noone appreciates it. I took care of my mom without so much as a thank you, I send little Happy birthday messages to people whos birthday it is, even here on dark forum... -_- noone ever replies... Shadowborn is about the only cool guy on here... he's at least interesting and kinda talkative... oh well. All I can hope is that I make a little bit of happiness in someone's life...

The Light
There is a light within me
in all men
the light of life shines
its glow piercing all darkness

Though we age, the light still shines
though we die, the light dims not
it lives on in the hearts of all men
you shall see this light from my grave

... yep, there it is... I tried my hand at rapping one of twista's songs today... Slow JAms, I think it was... I managed it, even though it was really hard. I'm amazed at how much I've improved at rapping in the two years or so since I've been trying it... shaved last night and already stubbly. Damn. I hate shaving. It's not easy keeping up such a joyfull facade... especuially when the world keeps you down... but I do my best to keep my aura white, which is probably why I'm so dark and lonely inside... I'm exhausted... and I'm tired of trying to keep myself happy... noone cares if anyone else is happy. everyone only cares about themselves. It disgusts me... the only light in my life is Chelsea, and she's too far away for me to touch her. No, not the bad kind of touch... I'm just desperate to hold someone who loves me... someone who actually cares... maybe I'll go goth... they're all so cool...

Great... and now one of my asshole friends has to come on here and ruin all my fun... I swear, I try to make everyone happy and what does it get me? Friends who try to turn everyone against me... -_- It's probably Jen... or Vikki... or Steph, or KT, or... *sigh* That list is too long... stupid peaceloving me... sometimes I wish I lived near them, because Keva would handle all of them...

I sat here for about 10 minutes debating if I should read this, and I still don't know if it was such a good idea... Being the way I am.. I started getting all teary halfway through it, and eventually just started crying out of hatered and sympathy. I know I'm one of those people who don't treat you well enough, and I suddenly feel like all I've ever done is talk about me me me and... what do you know.. me... It's not fair to you... why do people have to be such jerks.. and I'm one of those jerks.. all I can do is sit here trying to comfort you through a lame ass game of Solitaire... I hate people... I really do... nobody has to act like that. No matter how much you dislike a person.. Steph was wrong in doing what she did, and I could have stopped her, but of course, always worrying about myself and nobody else, I just ignored it and went on my merry fucking way....

I don't know what it is that you said that's making me cry like this, but I want you to know, and I don't care WHO knows it anymore.. I love you... I really do love you... And whenever I'm not talking to you, I get sad or angry incredibly quickly.. which is why.. and I know a bunch of people who didn't know this before are going to read this and I don't care... I cut my arms and legs. Yes, Jen and Steph.. Alisha and everyone else were right... I'm a good liar though... *laughs faintly* It just felt so right and it was a feeling.. instead of just... nothingness... but with you I feel loved... and that's really all I ever really wanted..

I'm so sorry...............

Please, read my thread in the bitch board because if I post it here I'll be banned or something. I don't know, I refuse to read the rules. So go to my thread. I need to explain something to the both of you.

I feel like I'm busting in here on something personal.. I won't ask.

Just want to say to you Shadow, that at your age, you are far more mature than a lot of people I know who are much older than you, and it seems to me that you are struggling with that. Well, anyway, go with it. I feel you know who you are, and I can tell you are going to be a strong but fair person as you grow older. There's nothing wrong with that honey.

x