Currently I am in a tough situation that is surrounding my life. Marriage crisis and children. The fact that I am 19 and will be married for the 1st year in June doesn't help much. But the fact that the more I think about my marriage, the more unhappy I am with it. None the less I am due on September 26th for our first child.

Divorce? Stay unhappily married? Abortion? Or have the rug rat?

Everyday I think about this. It seems I cannot change the way my marriage is going. My husband is 3000 miles away going to college and I am in the military. We see each other probably every 4 to 6 months for about 2 weeks. We don't have much of a relationship right now. He says I bitch about money because he now doesn't have a job. But I since I joined the military I provide a house to live in, food in our bodies and clothes on our backs. He hasn't provided anything... yet. I understand being a fulltime student doesn't allow you to have a full time job but I think he seems to think that he isn't responsible for anything here. But he lives at home with his parents, has since he was born. I don't think he really understands the cost of living. Especially when most of everything is provided for you. I love him but I don't know if I can stay married to him when he is so insensitve and selfish. I always thought a marraige was supposed to be going grocery shopping together, laying in each others arms at night, holding hands and being romantic in public and at home, but it really isn't with him... it's like I have to ask to be kissed, hugged, ect. ect. Shouldn't that kind of be a given? He doesn't like the fact that I volunteered for deployment but now that I am pregnant that won't happen till after the baby is born. When I say that he is a selfish man, he thinks of his career before his family. He says he wants to fullfill his career so he can support me since I bitch about money all the time, but even if he worked at McDonalds it's better than what he is doing now. I want my marriage to work but I don't know how to fix it on my own. He doesn't like the thought of counselors so I am going on my own. I take the conversations I have with him on AIM and ask my counselor for advice. But you can't fix a marraige with one person, it takes two.

When he was home in December I got knocked up and now I have another probelm to worry about. Children. He tells me he isn't ready to be a father, and honestly I am not ready either, but I am personally against abortion. But I keep thinking if there is a chance of divorce it isn't right to bring a child into this world without 2 parents. My mother drug me through 3 marriages and to be blunt, she fucked me up. A child needs a stable family enviornment. He doesn't seem like he wants the child either, he was actually upset with me because of it, but it takes 2 to have a baby. I would take it on myself but seeing he said to me
"no more drinking, no more parties, no more anything... but the kid"
made me think. I thought to myself "Drinking juice, birthday parties, and there is soooo much you can do with a child. It would be awesome to have a little one." But without the stability of a concrete family I do not want to bring a child into this world. But if choose abortion I have to decide... and soon!

I do not know if I am in the wrong or if we just need to sit down with a counselor and talk things through. I don't know if I am the bad guy in this marriage, but I know to be married and be a family both have to be willing.

Is there any advice that can be said to help me come to a decision about these problems? Thank you for taking the time to read this. I appreciate the help.

think of what would be best for you and the child...a child raised in a dysfunctional relationship will be just a messed up as one raised in the situation you had...a child needs security and stability more than it needs a father and a mother...ask any single mother or father that...children can sense when things aren't right between parents, and if s/he gets an idea that you two are together only because of him/her...i don't think it's ever a good idea to stay together for a child...

my sister is raising a child in the army as a single mother(the father is in the airforce, and has nothing to do with the child) They provide her with everything she needs, her only requirements...she had to assign someone guardian if she gets sent over seas...she chose my mother...so if something happens, my mom gets her son...with full benefits to care for the child...

i'll get an email for her if you'd like...

ask any single parent, and they'll tell you that a child does not need two parents, just love, security, stability and knowing it was indeed wanted...but they are a lot of hard work and there's a lot of freedom's you will lose...there are alternatives to abortion...and many groups that are more than happy to present you with them...talk to your people in the army...i'm sure they would help you decide what to do too....

but if it's not a good relationship, don't stay for any reason...unhappiness is not good for you, for the child or even for being pregnant...it complicates everything much more than it already is...

i agree, i had one parent and the love was enough to make me know he did his best, and that he cared. he doesnt want to be a father, then he is a unresponsible donor. think about having the baby, you might enjoy it. the compnay, the love, and the responsibility.........

could part of the current problem be the fact(s) of how far along you are, and the changes going on within yourself. And the fact that he is overseas, not available to even be near you at this time, lonelyness, hormones, pregnancy, being scared of having to raise the kid alone, blaming him for being gone while all this is going on.. and maybe a few more things...

Or is it the fact that you didn't want to marry him in the first place??

I'm not trying to place blame, i am trying to figure out where you are mentally...

Well you don't have to have abortion to get rid of a child. If you want to you could put the baby up for adoption. Adoption is alot better then abortion.

Well I feel that I shouldn't be giving you advice. These would be the reasons why.

1. I'm not married.
2. I don't have children.

So I really don't know how to help you out in this situation. But listen to Jordyn......


Thank god i'm not married and don't have children. I'm not marridge material

LOL i have been married and have children.. I guess i qualify..

Did that kind of bother you on having to be father and a married man? That would bother me on having to be a mother and wife hehe.

First things first, this baby. Do you want the baby? Will you love it with all you have to do your best to take care of it no matter what? If not, then no, you shouldn't have this child. I am not for abortation, I am not against it either, though. There are times when it is the best option, but I am not sure this is one of them. Have you though about adoption? There are millions of families out there who could give him or her a great home.
As for your marriage... I'm sorry, but WHY did you get married. In less than a year you are already in this bad of a spot? And, don't put all the blame on him, it takes two. He might not be a great husband, but you married him. If it's real love, you can get though this. You should have waitted until after college and the military, but it's too late for that now, I guess. If you really love him, and he really loves you, then you can manage to make it work out. But, if your doubting it the way I think you are, I don't know if the relationship is strong enough to save.

Corney, I know, but go here: www.sheknows.com

Oh, and FYI: I'm 23, have a 2 and a half year old, and this July will be my five year wedding anny. We're head over heels in love, butterflies and all, but it's been a rough road. Very rough, so I know what I'm talking about.

Sounds to me like you got married a little too early in life and without thinking about where you two were in your lives. Of course, it's too late, you're married now. Having said that, it's time for some serious soul searching. As much as it sucks to say, love does NOT conquer all and life in the military as a single parent can be EXTREMELY hard at times. I have kids and they are the most important things in my life but I've had to make some serious sacrifices in my personal life, in my career, and sad to say, at times, with my kids. That's part of life, my life. Think about what YOU really want and make it happen. I know I couldn't have done at at the tender age of 19 but we're not all the same. Good luck and take care.

wich part would bother you more??


Me, i was enjoying being married, she wanted out to *coughs*"find herself"...

My son still comes over most every week, friday-sunday.. somethings more, sometimes less. I enjoy it.. better to spend money on him than at on someone who may or may not come home with me..

You know, this scares me to death. I somehow see my life heading in a similar direction. If your husband really cares about you and making things work, he might have to give up somethings. He has to come to grips with that, He's married, to you, he's gotten you pregnant, you are not the only one who is going to hve to give up something if you have this baby. This might mean to HIM that he is going to have to give up on school for a while to support you and the (mistake?) new addition. if he isnt man enough to live up to that, then you might be better off seriously considering a new spouse and to either set out to take the baby all on your own or ...whichever alternative you care...whether it be abortion or adoption... but its really something you need to talk with him about. He needs to be a "man."

good luck dear. I hope your darling grows some balls and rather fast.

I agree, but at the same time, SHE has to realize that she too has played a part in the problems she is now facing. I am not comming down on her, I feel for her, but, common. A) HE did not get her pregnant, THEY did. HE is not "wrong" for being so involved with school anymore than she is for joining the army. They both did what they thought would be right for the future. However, it doesn't seem that EITHER of them really where on the same page with it. Obviously if you're both doing these big things (college and millitary) at the same time, not living together, there is going to be issues; and if the bond isn't strong enough, of COURSE that is going to be harmfull to the relationship. I know you are trying to do the right thing, providing for your family the way you thought best. But, marriage is give and take, 50-50. Maybe you could have lived at his parents with him and worked nearby? Maybe he could have went to school part time and worked part time? (Actually, I know lots of people who go to school and work full time, and have families.) The point is, that you should BOTH be supporting EACHOTHER, mentally and phyically. If he really needed to do this college bit, you should have backed him up. If you where doing the millitary, he should have backed you up. Marriage is a partnership, a friendship. I don't get the feeling you guys have that. If you want to save this marriage, do it now, before it's too late.

everyone has some really good advice... so I'll make this short....

.. I know what its like to grow up in a family where you dont feel wanted...
and if I could... I would save any child from the fate...
but it sounds like if you had the child.. that you would love it and cherish it.. so... thats not a problem.. but the marriege is.... and I dont think you should have the burden of a child... nor should the child be forced to have the burden of his parents at this point....

I would just like to throw out there that one of my best friends was adopted at birth... his real father died in an accident and his mother was a poor 18 yr old girl who couldnt raise a child alone.... but my friend never knew the differance because he was adopted by two beautiful people that care for him almost to a fault.. hes a little spoiled yeah... but... its a lot better than the alternative...
.. just thought I would give my two cents...
*hugs DE*.... im sorry babe...I know its hard

i dont know how much advice i have given, but i would like ot add my pennis to this jar....

i have been abandoned by everything and anything. i dont say this falseley or withought thought. everything i have ever known abandoned me at one point or another, but whilst there was something around to love me it was amazing. my family, years ago, consisted of my father, my aunt, my uncle, and friends. i knew not of siblings, or ocusins, and friends didnt come in till later. a happy household will make all the difference i the world. yes, you can love the child with everything in you, but if you cannot manage to keep it fed, or clothed withought having some kind of extreme curcumstances, not saying you would intentionaly neglect your child, nor am i emplying you cannot care for it, but withought a full household i would agree with straven that maybe an adoption agency is the best fit for your child. you can still sign wavers to keep up with its progress and visit and stuff, and maybe you can apply for a re-adoption on your part when you are capable of sustaing its happiness and life......

i say if you cant work things out with him, consider it.....

A lot of people see adoption as this bad thing, like the parents just didn't love the baby and shipped it off. But, being a mother, I think that mother's who give thier baby's up probably have more love for thier children than anyone. You'd have to love that child so much that you'd deal with the embarrasment, the shame, the guilt, the sadness, all just to give that kid a good life. That's love... I don't think I'd be strong enough to do it, honestly.

yeah... I definately agree with you Ninjet... if you know you cant give your child what he needs... than there truly is no shame in adoption... thought it may seem that way.

*Sigh* this wont make much sense to the other post'ers on this thread due to the fact that I am quite aware of this situation. Her husband is my best friend, and I am infact the one that introduced the two. So this has some personal ties into for myself. Unfortunately, I don't talk to D that much, so I kind of lack views on her side, but I can support the husbands (DUnno if we are avoiding names, but I've not seen them yet, so I'll avoid).

Husband is worried. He knows things are quite difficult in the situation he and D are in. 3000 miles, one in college, one in military. Neither with enough money to really go and sit somewhere else for a long period of time. Neither willing to budge from what they want their lives to be. Unfortunately, and D knows this, Husband has issues with communicating. He's not good at it. He has came to me before and asked me what he should say, or what D meant by something she said. So I know more of this situation than perhaps I should... Anyways...

I personally think that both of you could work this out. But like I've said to the both of you from last June, its going to be a tough 2 years or so (Almost being the 1 year through now), due to his finishing out college and your having to live on base for X amount of time before you can either live off, or get transfered closer. You also were aware of his lack of "real world knowledge", so to speak. His parents have handed him everything. College, car, computers, game systems, work out machines, whatever he wanted, whenever he asked for it. So no, he has no clue in hell what it takes to support any variety family, let alone himself. But, were I think you are going wrong, is you're not going to make any attempt to show him. You're more willing to give up than you are to teach. I know you've yelled at him before about how expensive it is to live, but you've (Not to my knowledge), sat down in a calm manner and broke it down mathmatically so he can see it in plain writting in front of him. Example: $800 rent, $300 food (With kid), $300 car, blah blah. Then perhaps he'd open his eyes a bit more to your side of things. And once again, if you do have this conversation, no yelling. It doesn't help anything, and truly only confuses him more, lol.

As for the pending child...

I don't think either of you are ready to be mother/father, but none the less, I think you'd both be good at it. He'd spoil the shit out of the kid, but you'd be on the other side making sure he grows up with the knowledge that you've gained in your life (The shit you had to go through to gain this knowledge blows, but at least you're able to spare others the potential same mess, and just give it to them). You're both quite loving, and passionate about what you have/want in life. The issues I see, however, are obvious. One of you is going to be raising the baby basically alone for a year or so alone. Thats kinda shitty. The kid will fortunately be young and thus "adaptable" to when the other comes concretely into his/her life, but shitty none the less. The other is that whomever takes the kid, is going to have to foot that bill, and its not a pretty one. I know its probably instantly assumed on this basis that you, D, would take it, but thats not completely true. You know, and I know for sure, that his parents would aid him like crazy with paying for that if he was to "house" the baby. He'd also pick up another job for sure. So its do-able on his side.

I really think that the main trouble issue here is the distance. So if you can stick that out, until you two can finally be together, then I believe you'd be golden. Of course, you could stick it out, then live with him for X number of months and see if it can indeed be liveable or not.

You know you have my blessings and best wishes in any event. I'd never think less of you for any actions that could result of this (Minus suicide, but I believe you're way to smart for that shit), and you'll always have that. Ever need someone to talk to, PM me and I'll hit you with a few numbers you can reach me at. Or e-mail, or PM, or however you wish it. I'm here for ya D, always and forever.

And remember...

Its always the darkest, right before the light.