so i figured i'd start a journal because i can't seem to keep one written @ home.

i was looking around the internet this morning for some "gothic" and "fantasy" clip art (you can see by my piccy) and stumbled across an 'name' generator. i suppose it was for choosing wiccan names or something of the sort... so i generated for a kick. and there it was laid out before me... scarlet, river, crying i thought it was neat... the generator and such.

then i began looking around the website (wicca and pagan) and reading about the things i haven't dared whisper in four years. i knew, then, and now what i am and what i will always be...

i am a pagan, i am a wiccan, i am a witch (always have, runs in the family), i am everything that i've denied, pushed back, and ran away from. everything that everyone told me i would go to hell for, my astrology, my paganism, my spells, my numberology, my candles, my music, my beliefs, my wiccanism, my love, my everything... it's all true. everything that i've been lying to myself about, that made me, and still does, is me, and always will be. it's all awaked again, i can feel it, and this time, i don't think i can put it away for anyone.

thanx dri, you've been especially helpful in allowing me to realize this. thank you chris, i know you may not ever see this, but thank you... that you open wiccans for coming out about what you are, what you believe, and what you practice, to allow me to remember where i came from and where i will return to in the end.

blessed be

*~skarllette~*

damn insomnia. can't sleep... ever since i started on wellburtrin, i've had to say goodbye to sleep. yes, in my eye that's a wonderful thing, the less sleep i can function on, the better. but i'm worried. honestly, how long can i last like this? and man, there really isn't anything at all to do @ five in the morning before school. .:shrug:.

blessed be, sleeping peoples,


*~skarllette~*

Nice to mee you Skarllete.
About the insomnia thingy...you should consult your doctor...there are many ways to get some sleep. Sleep is a must at least 4 hours a day.

Blessed be.

i found sleep! yay! it took me until after i got home from school, but i got a kindly 3 extra hours of sleep. i'm ready to go

it's nice to meet you too. umm... my doctors put me on wellbutrin because on zoloft i was a zombie. i love the wellbutrin, don't get me wrong. i have SO much more energy and concentration. i think the sleep thing is just something i'll have to get used to. of course, a full nights sleep to me was 8-10 hours while i was on the zoloft (and before i started on that i didn't sleep or eat). so i guess i can hand 5-7 hours which is what i've been getting lately. except last night. yeah, that was fun. no seriously, that was really really fun


blessed be,


*~skarllette~*

Good, I am happy for you.

thank you


blessed be,


*~skarllette~*

i am happy that you have found who you are.......good luck w/ the sleep thing babes.

I think that what you said here should take away the doubts. Everyone has doubts at some times. It looks to me like you really do love him. You've been with him so long, and with the way you got together, etc, I don't think you're just clinging to him out of fear.

Everytime you're away from him, you die a little. And when you're with him you feel amazing. No, you're definately not clinging to him in that way.

Maybe, like I said, you're taking each other for granted. Which just means that you have to work on that. There are a lot of ways to try, but I'm not sure of all of them, obvious by my little failures.

If I think of anything else to say to help, I will.

well, what ways do you know? i really... i'm not good at this, honestly. i've never been thru this before...






























and i was always the one to give advice... hmmph....


blessed be,


*~skarllette~*

I know you're scared to let go, but space yourselves apart a little bit and let the longing build. You'll know then for sure what your feelings are.

Like, this is the uber-bad example, but when Kim and I had broken up for about a week in between, it actually helped. Not that I'm telling you to dump him temporarily, but space might help. You never know.

Talking about it can never hurt, either.

buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
love you tiff

we had a talk about it last night on the phone at about this time. i mean, we've had SOOO many talks before... but i dunno. something must've clicked this time. and i cried as usual. (there's a different story with that too).

so i told you the story, dave, but i'll tell it for the rest of the audience that wants to hear about my love life (actually there was a few parts that i told you that i had to edit cause parentals in the room)





i got home from school and talked to alek. he had been calling my house every ten minutes (and i was late getting back because i had to do scheduling today) and my cell every minute or something. i didn't know, i had to have it off for school. nevertheless, i got in and the phone was ringing so i grabbed it up, not really expecting much of anyone. but there he was on the phone... on the bus. i wasn't sure of where he was at first but i had a good idea that he was in a moving vehicle with others.



me: where are you?
alek: out.
me: duh, out where?
alek: out. just out. doing stuff.
me: you're coming here aren't you? did you talk to my mom first?
alek: no... i feel weird talking to your parents... i'm sorry...
me: don't you dare come here... i have so much shit to do tonight... i have to learn washington post by tommorrow, i have a few tests to do, i have reports to do, and i need time to fucking sleep because the insomnia is catching up with me and i'm turning into a bitch... a bitch i tell you...
alek: i know but i thought i'd surprise you (and now i sound like a real bitch).
me: omg... you are too sweet. i'm so sorry babe. where are you at?
alek: a 31E (bus that comes right past my house)
me: oh! <makes pitiful face> i'm so so so so sorry... <profusely apologizes 1 mil times more>
alek: hunny, it's ok...
me: are you sure?
alek: yes.
<mindless chatter about plans and stuff>
<gets off phone>




a few minutes later...

alek: <on the phone>hi hunny...
me: <baffled>hi babe... is there anything wrong? (always my first reaction)
alek: can i stop in for like 15 mins...?
me: well... i guess i can do that much for you.
alek: ok. i have some stuff to take care of, you know, bills and shit, so i'll be down in 20-30 mins.
me: <thinking he's @ the bank in heidelberg>sure... i'll take my nap real quick and i'll see you here...






so when i awake, and go downstairs it's like better than christmas morning. my love, my one and only true love was standing there with a sheepish look upon his face holding flowers and a gift behind his back.

alek: i was just thinking of you... and worrying about you...
me: i guess that's what i get for having a rough month. <giggles>

hugs... kisses... wonderful longings fulfilled (nothing sexual, i'm serious) we held each other. we talked... it's been awhile since we've just been able and sit down to shoot the shit about nothing. we spent the best three hours together and best of all, we even put our time together to good use by holding hands and doing chem & geometry.





a love story... indeed


blessed be,

*~skarllette~*

i'm so pissed. i fucking hate people. goddamn it... i have a few things to say about a couple people that really DICKED me off today...

(no names used)

you fat fucking know it all christian zealot pig: i will rip your fucking eyes out if you don't stop looking at me. i hear you telling me under your breath that i'm going to hell... i hear you damning your own soul... you know why? because your jesus isn't going to fucking save you cause he was a schitzophernic, delusional, mind-fucked carpenter. nothing more... he couldn't even save himself so why the fuck would he care about you?

at least leave me the fuck alone. i won't convert. i finally figured it out and your angry glares aren't going to change my mind. it's america fat fuck and i'm going to sit here and believe in what i want, heaven or hell in result.

take a fucking shower, you smell like you shit your pants five years ago. no one likes you, you have no friends, have a fucking nice day!


psycho-hoes bitch- take the goddamn stick out of your ass. it's been there since the last concert... and i'm tired of it. it's ok to be stressed out, but don't take it out on me. i do everything for you, i'm your lackey and now apparently i'm your ragdoll... how do you expect me to be your friend when you treat like i'm beneath you, like i have the mentality of a fucking 4 year old... you know i'm better than that, you know i'm better than them... and yet you TREAT me like one of THEM. i'm almost done with you... almost... if i didn't love what i do so much... you'd be in deep shit next year... so you need to get the dead animals surgecally removed from your ass, get down on your knees, suck my invisable non-existant cock, get laid for once in your life, then take a bubble bath. one night of relaxation will NOT kill you and i think you'll stop being a bitch after that. fucking cut it out because i love you like a second mother but you're really pissing me off...


to all the middle schoolers: you guys are little fucking demons that need to learn some respect, discipline and manners. fucking grow up cause one day, you'll get the shit kicked out of you and you'll wonder why.... just a word of advice, huh?


big perv: you know what? you are a great guy and a few years ago i could've really fallen for you. but you know what? i can't... i love alek and i know it. and even if i wasn't engaged i dunno if i would be with you because 85% of the time you're talking about boning me... get your mind out of the gutter and show a lady some respect. i wanna be your friend, not your lover no matter how much you wish, and try, and dream, and masterbate, and manipulate, and everything... i'm a spoken for woman.

btw: i can't do that to my best friend. i did it once, and i pay for it every day of my life.


my baby sister: what happened between you and i? you avoid me, we never talk, and you're always with that boyfriend of yours. don't get me wrong here, he's a great guy, but what happened to ho's before bro's?


my best friend: i love you, i miss you, i feel like you keep putting me off... are you mad at me? i'm not, i really am not but i'm hurting...































wow... i feel a lot better now!


blessed be,

*~skarllette~*

(excuse the desperate ranting)


my dark savior, the one who rescued me from the clutches of death by my own hands, who pieced my soul back together from the millions of shards scattered about... and put so much of yourself in there to make me whole again...























what have we become? once we were so deeply intertwined that nothing on heaven or earth could tear us apart. now, we seem to drift farther away until your warmth is no longer with me... til we're so far away that our everlasting embrace unravels into a mess of tangles and frays. young, we were once, not caring of material things, on our bare backs not knowing where you ended and i began, staring at the sun scorched summer skies... (oh how tears still well in my eyes when they gaze upon the crystal clear blue... the color i used to so easily get lost in...) never had we a care, it was you and i and that's all we needed...

























i need that most now... watching you slip from my tender grasp pains me so... the ice glazes over me in my isolation... the true loneliness takes leave inside my soul where it was you and i, and a love so massive that my tiny body scarcely could hold it all... the world seems to spin so violently around me, thrashing me about, battering my tiny existence until finally i am ready to give in... but in the thought of you... i live...





































without you everything falls apart, you know this as well as i. after you take back what is yours and move along, there will be nothing left of me... only a fractured soul, a hollow shell resembling the girl you used to adore, and tears... so many tears that they thicken into blood as my mortal form is useless without a soul, a purpose...
































has father time forsaken us so that forever can pass by without a mere thought of one another? have we grown so aged, wrinkled, weary of each other that we can't recognize the spirits that so belong together from within? tho i may not be able to see you, i can still feel you, even from so far away your warm embrace comforts me on those lonely nights, but for how long can i live in a memory?































your silence is deafening, dear, to where i can't even hear my own desperate pleas for you to let me back inside our paradise... our special Eden... where you and i belong forever, love. mein liebling, i see you now and again... the man i love... so buried deep beneath the world in your eyes... aleksandr, i love you. from the moment i met you, i've been so direly in love with you and to think i may lose something so completely essential makes me want to end my life to end our suffering. the mists are so thick now that even beside me, you aren't with me at all... your eyes so clouded over that the man inside is trapped because he can't find the way to freedom... aleksandr, i call out to you my love. my everything, i call you back to me... for your little girl misses you so dearly that all she can think of is waiting in her bed for you... curled up in a safe little ball of absolute sadness...



























:::whispered::: draw me closer, closer, til our heartbeats mesh. don't let me go even for a moment. i shall descend my fall into oblivion where there is nothing because there is no you. you are my everything my one and only. i haven't enough words to tell you how i feel. i embrace you lovelingly b/c i will never stop loving you. nothing in the universe could rip my love from my being as long as it remains. just remember every once in awhile to make sure it's still inside... i love you, love deeper than the oceans higher than the sky love me too...


































you are my everything. i call, i fall, i'm dying...





































blessed be,



*~skarllette~*

well, once again as everyone predicted, we pulled through. i find it almost mildly amusing that others can be so sure of the strength of our love, yet i'm wallowing in my desparity wondering if we'll REALLY get through all the bullshit. we never the less, i have you as mine, solely mine once again my savior, my lord! i shall always be your lady, your love, regardless of how grim the outlook. i realize now that i had everything i needed in front of me. now that i open my eyes to your shining smiles and wrap up once again in your warm embrace because i've found it. there's nothing that can blind me from my true love, my absolute feelings now. i love you. i do. from the moment i laid eyes on you, so tall, dark, quiet... mysterious... but your eyes were what got me before any of that. they beckoned me to you saying "i am your soulmate, your one and only. come home to my love." and this i will always have in my mind, til my dying day and beyond.









ok, now that i'm done with all the sentimentals, i might as well get to the point here.

lately has been so difficult for me. just these past two months in general have been a chaotic, neverending, hell first was the band trip... and it was the first so it wasn't TOO difficult considering we bombed competition horribly (being that i HATE going out of town). then came the came the concerts, choir and instrumental almost on top of each other. then, the choir competition which was done horribly. things just came at me one after the other until all i wanted to do was curl up on my bed, cry, and sleep the rest of my life away.

i kept it inside, being the wonderful actress that i am i dunno, i just don't right or justified to pour my problems out on others. hell, i won't even do it for alek!!!!!! i guess it's just reprocussions of earlier psychological torment.... enough about me dammit...!!!!


so here i am doing what i love to do best again. help others. my friends especially. and i am meditating, concentrating and overall becoming a better person...

blessed be

*~skarllette~*

there isnt much i can say b/c as u can tell im in a deep rut myslef. how can you give such words of wisdome and then not believe them urslef? things will get better, just wait it out......
breakdowns are good.