WASHINGTON, D.C.- As is often the case, this year's weekday placement of Christ's birthday has caused serious disruption in work schedules as well as the retail shopping season. Employers, unsure about which days to grant as vacation, have generously closed shop for most of this week, at an estimated cost of $12 billion. With an already weakened economy, the loss of productivity has economists worried. Also worrisome is the shortened shopping season this year, giving buyers less time than ever to boost the flagging consumer confidence numbers.

To this end, a coalition of corporate lobbyists have begun pressuring members of Congress to declare Christmas an official Federal holiday once the 2003 session begins, to in essence proclaim that the Nazarean Messiah was born on a floating Monday. In this sense, Jesus Christ [though not specifically mentioned in the politically sensitive rough draft of the legislation] will join the ranks of America's founding fathers, each one born on the first day of the working week.

Not only would the proposed law give employers a predictable holiday vacation calendar, it should also cut down on the days when people just sit around eating Christmas candy and surfing the web. Also, since Christmas Monday would always be four weeks after Thanksgiving, the shopping season is of equal length year to year. All told, accountants estimate that the plan could save Americans more than $1 trillion over the next ten years.

Predictably non-Christians and civil libertarians are up in arms over the proposal, claiming that any such federal holiday would constitute an official sanctioning of a single religion. Liam Hedstrom, the bill's chief architect, says that he understands these concerns, but still believes the holiday merits consideration.

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"People need to remember that Jesus remains a very significant historical figure. He was a pioneer, the world's very first 'Christ Figure.' You can't just sweep a legacy like that under the rug."

Christians, as it turns out, aren't too pleased with the plan, either. Few would argue that the current December 25th date any actual historical value, but placing the birth date of the Son of Man on a floating Monday strikes many Christians as a touch blasphemous.

However, as University of South Jersey comparative religion professor Mike Pickleworth explains, Biblical references to the precise day of Jesus' virginal birth are unclear. "Anyone who says they know for sure when Christ was born probably hasn't taken into account the several hundred scholarly articles on the subject, each one contradicting the other quite convincingly. Saying that he was born on a Monday is no more factually incorrect than saying he was born at any other stationary spot on the calendar."

Perhaps the most incensed group regarding this issue is America's Pagan population. It was their raucous festival on the shortest day of the year that inspired Christians to magically move their faith's second most significant historical event to late December, and Pagans say they are dead set against further altering the calendar in the name of convenience.

Sources say plans to move the Winter Solstice celebrations to a floating Friday failed earlier this month when astronomical authorities refused to cooperate.

The bill's chances of passage seem slim, though. Congressional leaders are loathe to put their name on it right away, and the President Bush still hasn't forgiven Hedstrom since the lobbyist tried to tell him Santa didn't exist during his first Christmas in the White House.

i think we have enough national holidays...let the week of yule be whatever it is to whoever wants it to be...are things really that good in the world they can sit around debating christmas?

Ah yes. In the end, religious observance gives way to the one true god: Money.