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Sixgun_Symphony · **Are You A Retrosexual? -** 12-05-03

I was retro before being retro was cool.

Drawing the hard line

Quote:

Ok folks, I have had it. I've taken all I can stands and I can't stands no more.
Every time my TV is on, all that can be seen is effeminate men redecortaing houses, talking about foreign concepts like "style", and "fixing" guys like myself.

If you haven't read it yet, go NOW and read Kim du Toit's esay.
"The Pussification Of The Western Male"

Real men of the world, stand up, scratch your ass, belch, and yell "ENOUGH!"
I hearby announce the start of a new offensive in the culture wars, the Retrosexual movement. (I googled "retrosexual" and got a few references, but I hearby officially steal the phrase. Mweh!)

The Code

A Retrosexual, no matter what the women insists, PAYS FOR THE GODDAMN DATE.

A Retrosexual opens doors for a lady. Even for the ones that fit that term only because they are female.

A Retrosexual DEALS with shit. Be it a flat tire, break-in into your home, or a natural disaster, you FUCKING DEAL WITH IT.

A Retrosexual not only eats red meat, he often kills it himself.

A Retrosexual doesn't worry about living to be 90. It's not how long you live, but how well. If you're 90 years old and still smoking cigars and drinking, I salute you.

A Retrosexual does not use more hair or skin products than a woman. Women have several supermarket aisles of stuff. Retrosexuals need an endcap (possibly 2 endcaps if you include shaving goods.)

A Retrosexual does not dress in clothes from Hot Topic when he's 30 years old (Yes, Contagion, I'm lookin' at you)

A Retrosexual should know how to properly kill stuff (or people) if need be. This falls under the "dealing with shit" portion of The Code.

A Retrosexual watches no TV show with "Queer" in the title.

A Retrosexual does not let neighbors fuck up rooms in his house on national TV.

A Retrosexual should not give up excessive amounts of manliness for poontang. Some is inevitable, but major re-invention of yourself will only lead to you becoming a froo-froo little puss, and in the long run, she ain't worth it.

A Retrosexual is allowed to seek professional help for major mental stress such as drug/alcohol addiction, death of your entire family in a freak treechipper accident, favorite sports team being moved to a different city etc. You are NOT allowed to see a shrink because Daddy didn't pay you enough attention. Daddy was busy DEALING WITH SHIT. When you fucked up, he DEALT with you. Buck up pussy.

A Retrosexual will have at least one outfit in his wardrobe designed to conceal himself from prey.

A Retrosexual knows how to tie a fucking windsor knot when wearing a tie (There, Contagion, that made up for the Hot Topic crack)

A Retrosexual does not strip naked, get into a sweat lodge, and bang on drums to bond with other guys. That shit is gay.
However dressing in kilts, banging on drums around a campfire, and drinking heavily is just fine.

A Retrosexual should have at least one good wound he can brag about getting. (If not, he can borrow some from my friend Daniel, who has enough wound stories to last for 3 lifetimes)

A Retrosexual knows how to use a basic set of tools. If you can't hammer a damn nail, or drill a straight hole, practice in secret until you can or be rightfully ridiculed for the wuss you be.

A Retrosexual's asshole is an exit ramp on the road of life. Ladies, contrary to what Cosmo says, spontaneously sticking a finger back there is a good way to be launched off the bed (or if Hooters hotwings have been recently consumed, lose a finger). Make you a deal, we won't mess with yours unless you want us to, and you won't mess with ours period.

A Retrosexual will buy feminine hygine products if he has to, but only under protest. This falls under unpleasant things you have to fucking DEAL with. Get some Hagen-Daas while your at it.

A Retrosexual gives a lady his seat on the bus/subway/etc.

A Retrosexual does not order an apple martini at the bar. A Martini has fucking gin and vermouth in it dammit. And maybe an olive. In fact, why not just get a beer and a shot of scotch??

A Retrosexual knows that owning a gun is not a sign that your are riddled with fear, or are trying to make up for a small penis. Massage and cunnilingus skills are the way to make up for a small penis, guns are fucking TOOLS and are often essential to DEAL with shit. Plus it's just damnned fun to shoot.

These are just the tip of the iceberg. I need help fleshing out The Code. Please let the testosterone flow and add your wisdom.

Metagion · 12-05-03

Could I have the Cliff Notes version of this please?

RedMeat · 12-05-03

Retrosexual=Polite redneck.

Sic Simon · 12-06-03

John: I'm a space cadet
Milo: You got that right.

Metagion · 12-06-03

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sixgun_Symphony

The Code

A Retrosexual, no matter what the women insists, PAYS FOR THE GODDAMN DATE. Sounds good....although how many times CAN you go to Jack N the Box?

A Retrosexual opens doors for a lady. Even for the ones that fit that term only because they are female. Rude AND polite. Neat.

A Retrosexual DEALS with shit. Be it a flat tire, break-in into your home, or a natural disaster, you FUCKING DEAL WITH IT. Meaning if you have insurance, fuck the money, do it yourself? Cool.....can I have the money then?

A Retrosexual not only eats red meat, he often kills it himself. Because going to the store just ain't worth it.

A Retrosexual doesn't worry about living to be 90. It's not how long you live, but how well. If you're 90 years old and still smoking cigars and drinking, I salute you. As you have the brain capacity of a meatsack and shit in a diaper. Please pass the Winstons.....

A Retrosexual does not use more hair or skin products than a woman. Women have several supermarket aisles of stuff. Retrosexuals need an endcap (possibly 2 endcaps if you include shaving goods.) Because if you can't lube your car AND look greasy, what good are you???

A Retrosexual does not dress in clothes from Hot Topic when he's 30 years old (Yes, Contagion, I'm lookin' at you) Huh?

A Retrosexual should know how to properly kill stuff (or people) if need be. This falls under the "dealing with shit" portion of The Code. See you in prison!

A Retrosexual watches no TV show with "Queer" in the title. They just cry like bitches watching fat guys wear spandex and helmets crush each other.

A Retrosexual does not let neighbors fuck up rooms in his house on national TV. When he can OBVIOUSLY do it himself without any help from the audience...

A Retrosexual should not give up excessive amounts of manliness for poontang. Some is inevitable, but major re-invention of yourself will only lead to you becoming a froo-froo little puss, and in the long run, she ain't worth it. He said as he whacks off again to "Lesbian Nazi Bitches" on his comp in his parents' basement

A Retrosexual is allowed to seek professional help for major mental stress such as drug/alcohol addiction, death of your entire family in a freak treechipper accident, favorite sports team being moved to a different city etc. You are NOT allowed to see a shrink because Daddy didn't pay you enough attention. Daddy was busy DEALING WITH SHIT. When you fucked up, he DEALT with you. Buck up pussy.

A Retrosexual will have at least one outfit in his wardrobe designed to conceal himself from prey. *in Jacque Cousteau voice* "Look at the distinctive plumage of the American Neanderthal.....note his clever use of Black Duct Tape as he tries to blend in with the tires on the wall..."

A Retrosexual knows how to tie a fucking windsor knot when wearing a tie (There, Contagion, that made up for the Hot Topic crack) Still dunno.

A Retrosexual does not strip naked, get into a sweat lodge, and bang on drums to bond with other guys. That shit is gay.
However dressing in kilts, banging on drums around a campfire, and drinking heavily is just fine. *writes down that it's OK to be Scottish, but NOT OK to be Native American. Great.*

A Retrosexual should have at least one good wound he can brag about getting. (If not, he can borrow some from my friend Daniel, who has enough wound stories to last for 3 lifetimes)

A Retrosexual knows how to use a basic set of tools. If you can't hammer a damn nail, or drill a straight hole, practice in secret until you can or be rightfully ridiculed for the wuss you be. Or the speller you ain't.

A Retrosexual's asshole is an exit ramp on the road of life. Ladies, contrary to what Cosmo says, spontaneously sticking a finger back there is a good way to be launched off the bed (or if Hooters hotwings have been recently consumed, lose a finger). Make you a deal, we won't mess with yours unless you want us to, and you won't mess with ours period. SUUUUUUUURE that's what you say. Too bad it isn't true.....

A Retrosexual will buy feminine hygine products if he has to, but only under protest. This falls under unpleasant things you have to fucking DEAL with. Get some Hagen-Daas while your at it. Fair enough.

A Retrosexual gives a lady his seat on the bus/subway/etc.

A Retrosexual does not order an apple martini at the bar. A Martini has fucking gin and vermouth in it dammit. And maybe an olive. In fact, why not just get a beer and a shot of scotch?? What if you like them though?

A Retrosexual knows that owning a gun is not a sign that your are riddled with fear, or are trying to make up for a small penis. Massage and cunnilingus skills are the way to make up for a small penis, guns are fucking TOOLS and are often essential to DEAL with shit. Plus it's just damnned fun to shoot. Shoot what? Since when have you seen a deer packing heat? I like killing things too.....but I do it on a VIDEO SCREEN. That way the DA's office isn't onto me.

These are just the tip of the iceberg. I need help fleshing out The Code. Please let the testosterone flow and add your wisdom.

Consider it done. If this was a joke, I apologize; if not, well......