ok maby im just to tired an have a realy bad humor but i thaught it was funny enough...

Introduction Let's face it, thousands of people kill themselves everyday. Many are guilt ridden, trapped in an unloving relationship, or have become overwhelmed by the futility of life. While we fully understand the need to put an end to things, there is simply no excuse for being impolite. True gentlemen know that it takes careful planning to ensure that your special day is pulled off with just the right mixture of class, manners, and courtesy. We've compiled some essential advice to ensure that your suicide will be remembered for its refined execution. Remember to keep these words of wisdom in your mind at all times: "suicide isn't about me, it's about everyone but me". Chapter 1: Preparation Find someone exactly like you The second most common complaint about suicides is that people miss the person that dies. For this reason, the first part of your preparation should include finding and befriending someone exactly like you, and then introducing him or her to all your friends. Be sure to teach this person all your classic catchphrases and memorable stories, and if everything goes well, your friends should barely notice your absence. Timing is everything Why make people grieve twice? If you plan your suicide for a day usually associated with mourning (9/11, Memorial Day), family and friends can get all their grieving done at once. This also has the bonus of leading everyone to believe that your friends and family are particularly sensitive to others' tragedies. Avoid dangerous situations Now that you have your date all set, it is even more important than usual to make sure that you do not die prematurely. Use your seatbelt when driving, quit smoking, and open all cans with an automatic can opener Take care of Uncle Sam A true gentleman doesn't shirk his civic responsibility when it becomes inconvenient. We recommend pre-paying the estimated amount of tax you would have paid over your entire life - if you would have lived it. If like most suicide victims you are already an accountant, this part should be easy. Open pistachio nuts Everybody knows it's a hassle, so why not use your remaining time on earth to make everyone's life a little better. Focus on the red variety, as their trademark stain is the most irksome. Tell all of your friends that they are your best friend, but not to tell anyone else This should be done in your final days. Explain to each friend that they are your best friend, but make them promise to keep it to themselves so as to not hurt anyone's feelings. Instead of feeling sad while gazing at your corpse during the funeral, all your friends will feel sad and special. Chapter 2: Presentation Dress as a clown It's important to lighten the mood as much as possible in order to limit the level of sadness and trauma laid upon those who find your body. Dressing up in an outfit associated with pure happiness will provide this lighthearted buffer. Who can resist laughing at a dead clown? Use the bathroom Someone is going to have to take care of that last meal of yours, so do it yourself. It is common knowledge that once you die your body empties all of its digested materials. A gentleman of the highest order would get a full colon cleansing, but this is not socially mandatory. Tape all photo IDs and a vial of fresh blood to your body Make it as easy as possible for the medical team to have an official identification of your body. This is especially important if you choose to die away from home or via a method that destroys your face. Do not take a last breath Ignore those who say it's logically impossible and resist the urge to take a last breath. There is no need to waste more oxygen than necessary and your aerobically respirating brethren will appreciate your gesture. Nail yourself to a cross Although this is going above the minimum standards of etiquette, it is highly recommended because of the slight possibility that you were actually the messiah. This method was proven to be very successful for at least one of our readers. Chapter 3: The Letter Outline first Get down all of your thoughts and organize them clearly in an outline before writing your final copy. Last wishes and "shout-outs" to friends should be later in the letter, after an explanation for why your suicide is occurring. A disorganized sloppy letter will likely be scorned by the town after it's printed in the local newspaper, as well as mocked by smart-ass high school students. Use a word processor and a printer Nothing is worse than a poorly handwritten suicide note that leaves your intentions unclear and your ability to write in serious question. There is a big difference between how a reader will interpret "I love you" and how they will interpret "ilale gov." And make sure you have an extra ink cartridge, as a last minute run to Staples could throw your timing off. Use the royal 'we' You can talk about your future afterlife all you want, but remember to give the proper respect to your dead relatives and pets. Talk about what 'we' will be doing once you get to heaven, which may include walking on clouds, talking to your respective deity and playing holy bingo. Provide cliff notes Most of your friends will only be interested in whether or not they were mentioned at all. Providing a copy of your letter in cliff notes style will allow all those who want the meat without the wordiness a quick way to scan over your thoughts. In suicides where a cliff is used, the friendlier name of "abridged version" can be used, unless of course your suicide involves both a bridge and cliff, in which case it is in very poor taste to write a condensed version at all. Conclusion As you now understand, committing a well-planned, highly respectable suicide takes much thought and deliberation. However, we realize that even the most carefully made plans can become undone and drastic measures must be taken. The last resort you may wish to consider, if all else fails, is to alienate everyone around you. Constantly prod them with a pointy branch and mock everything they do. Any further resistance to them hating you should be met with you lacing the food of everyone you know with arsenic. Eventually, this will prevent your friends and family from caring about your demise at all, and will probably lead to a celebration post mortem. However, we can't stress enough that this should be used as a last resort only since it involves being very discourteous to many people during the remaining year of your life. If you carefully follow the instructions and pointers laid out in the first three chapters you should be able to enjoy a pleasant suicide.

too much reading. i'd just shoot myself with a note that says "Marilyn Manson Rules" taped to my chest.

Yet I'm sure that everyone would say that it was unlike you . . .

lmao i wonder if anyones ever followed those rules.

Funny but mom did it by just taking the pills her doc gave her.
seems simpler

Not to mention ironic.

One of the very few things keeping me alive, is that i would have to make sure those who needed letters, got them and had there one dedicated to them.
Except by the time you get half through, you kinda lose the will to keep on.

some dudes dissapont me

Hahahahahahaha. Gold.

Remember kids, it's "up the river, and not across the street"

...or something like that.

fear of life

Ha ha ha still keeping up those informative posts I see Tozzy.....

I think the best way is to invite all your friends and family to a large dinner after having a randomly selected Internet contacted psycho cook your body....Then have them turn on a pre-recorded video you made stating what you did..What they just did...and how you will live on in them....and that you'll take vomiting as a sign of disrespect worthy of haunting.

You go across the street to get attention.
And down the road to get somewhere.
Tis one of those nice and insensetive things, that rings true.

I like that plan though....very....german.

Thanks Tozz.......I forgot exactly how it went.

Oh well.......I did read a story about a man who knew he was dying, and he went on a killing spree killing those who did offensive things.....like using a cell phone in a theater, cutting someone off in traffic, and things like that.......and on his deathbed, the cops asked him why he did what he did. He replied that his mother taught him to "always leave the world a better place than before"

Works for me.

The scariest part of that is not the killing spree, that is annoyingly common, it is the fact he said 'always'
Bloody messiahs, they die and just keep coming back.

My favorite way to kill myself is to make it look like I really tried, when in fact it was just a cry for attention.

I'll do that now. I could use the practice.

*cutcutcutcutcutcut*whine, cry, whimper *cutcutcutcutcut*