Have you ever been pushed to the point where you wanted to completely reconstruct your life? Has a movie ever pushed you? A painting? A song?

There is one movie, to me, when viewed completely drunk makes me want to rearrange my life to the point where I don't need all of the social bullshit that makes us tick. I don't want to see people. I don't want to worry about what offends them. I don't want to worry about their feelings and how I may 'violate' them. I know that when I wake up tomorrow I won't feel the same way. I know I will still want to harrass the same girl I have been 'pestering' since the eleventh grade. I know I will be there to make sure everyone is feeling "ok" while I wallow in my own shit. I want to pretend everything is fucking swell when it isn't. Why do we do this? Why do we fake 99 percent of our lives? How can we waste so much???????

The only person I have met who can tell everyone to fuck off and not think twice is Pyrric. Mayeb this is why I love him. He is something I can never be.

Am I alone on this? Or do you often wonder about your fucking life and why you make it what it is??

Mari

You're not alone at all. I've heard songs that totally deconstructed my views on everything. It's crazy. It all seems so feasible... then reality hits and you're back down to earth, living in the shit you've always lived in...
Anyway, I don't even want to start in on this...

Then again, maybe we are weak for being so impressionable...

I really don't understand it. I just know I don't want to worry about anyone....

Mari

For me it's part of my mood swings. When I'm on the downswing, but haven't hit bottom yet, I start getting angry: at me, at you (that you is directed toward any "you"), at everyone. Yet, I don't show it except by my increased isolation. Then I hit bottom. No longer mad at anyone, just depressed; my fault I think. My fault.

Ok. No more bitching.

Yes, I've wanted to stop faking everything. I've wanted to be me, truly be ME. Then I think of the ramifications of required psychological help, and I suppress myself yet again.

I don't know anymore. I just fucking go day to day and hope Pyrric doesn't get pissed. Fuck it....Who needs it anyways?

Mari

"Do you ever wonder why I prefer to be alone..
Have I really lost control?"