I really haven't had words for the nothingness that this semester has become. I live day to day in the hope that some catastrophic chain of events will throw my life into a meaningful semblance of order and redeem the inaction of late that has eroded my being. But alas, no such chain of events comes, and my only comfort is the fact that I once knew with foolhearty exactitude what had been, was and would be.

I think Harlotte has grown tired of me. I think she realized last Christmas that I was trying to buy admission into her heart rather than earn it through my deep feeling, which I must admit is not up to my expectations. She will return my gaze in gym, but only for a brief instant and then back to her fingernails or chatter with Lisa as if to say "We once were, but now are not and will not be for ever more." It pains me so that I have ceased trying to talk to her and have found ways to hide myself from her at lunch, but never too far to let her out of my wandering eye.

What has this void amounted to? Against my overwhelming conviction that my love was too intense for her is a single thread of evidence that her arms are indeed open. There have been three anonymous letters left in my locker so far which are unmistakeably her handwriting, down to the cheap stock of paper and ball point penwomanship. These letters speak volumes of praise of how great I am: my mastery of paper editing, my generosity with my bank account (it's all back in a CD now, so there will be no more shopping sprees!) and my eminently good taste in music, especially my defiant admiration for the Insane Clown Posse which goes to show that I am indeed a nonconformist. It was mentioned that I would be a suitable father to about 20 children. I have also discovered that my perfect, gorgeous Harlotte has a surprising bit of humility, and lovably trite girlhood insecurities. Read on (spelling and grammatical errors are duly noted):

hey tim its me again, i hope u dont think im stalking u????? ne way ive been feeling real down latly and i just need some 1 2 talk 2 u know??? i listen 2 ur cd every nite its so powerfull. it sounds cheesey but i feel rilly close 2 u when i hear it like i know ur feelings and ur mind. ur so misteriouse u know hehe but its sexy. hehe i cant beleive i said that. ne ways my 1st fave was the dirtball cuz its bout not having a place in the world and beeing an outkast in sociaty like we r. but now i like fat sweaty betty cuz he sees beauty in this gurl whose not prettie by sociaty standard. he sees shes beautifull inside 2. u know its hard to beleive but some times im not 2 confidant. im blackned on the inside and want some one 2 save me. i mite be a gothic chick but on the inside im a vulneble little gurl. my fave song eva beside evanescnce bring me 2 life and all icp is christina agilera i am beautiful. 1 time my dad called me ugley. i cried cuz evry gurl wants 2 be daddys gurl u know????? well i listen 2 it again n again its like were all beautifull inside u know??????? i danced in the mirre in a lacey bra and pantys like a girly girl and know i was beautifull hehehe. ive never addmitted it 2 ne 1 but i want 2 have a familly. i luv babys. the way u hold ur books like a baby u look like a good daddy to our babys. i luv them i want like 20!!!!! but in school u got 2 look tuff u know, maybey thats why we never talk but i know we have sooo much in commen. every time i think of u i feel beautifull and my black heart is free 2 express myself, i never said it 2 ne 1 but i luv u rilly and secreteley hope u ask me 2 the valentins dance. oh yeh u r rilly hot. talk 2 u later, luv ur secret admirer


Had this been three months ago, I would have soared on the wings of hope to Harlotte's feet and all would have been well. Now, however, I feel that I cannot live up to the glowing admiration she has heaped on me and could only disappoint her. I am also afraid that, gripped in the clutches of insanity, I may be hallucinating these letters and that my muse Harlotte never existed outside the confines of my tormented mind. Whatever the case, I must deal with this issue, truth or nontruth in one of only two ways: confront my Harlotte with my dearest admiration and find out if it is to be or not to be, or retreat back into the depths of my agony and deal with this profound loss, this greatest loss.

Try asking someone out on a date, then on that day their ex of 2-3 months shows up and begs forgiveness with a diamond ring in hand!!

And you think your life is hard..

OH, and by the way.. that spelling looks like texting to me.. not something written on paper..

I believe that she was trying to convey an illusion of "casualness," as if our love were something commonplace and childish, when in reality her feelings are so strong and deep she is embarassed to reveal them, lest we be whipped away in a torment of timeless passion.

HAHA! that would explain why she has you write all her papers...

Tear down the wall.

Wouldn't it be ironic if the secret admirer turned out to be Lisa the one he despised for being so close to Harlotte...hmm I think it would be an interesting little twist

penwomanship?

Ohhhh , that would be great . . .
but it's to obvious !

Believe me, I have spent many sleepless eves considering such horrific possibilities. However, the odds seem to be very much against this; I mentioned earlier that the scribe is unmistakably Harlotte (the curliques and unecessary flourishes, the violet calligraphy pen, the pink college rule paper ((Lisa uses plain wide rule)). Despite the crudeness of diction, I like to think that this note is an indication of Harlotte's intelligence, as what could be more prudent than a desire for me to sire her children? Armed with the combined force of her beauty and my intellectual gravitas such babes would doubtlessly revolutionize human thought and perhaps even form a new super-race. Such a stellar intent of purpose could no sooner spring from that greasy, obese troglodyte Lisa than from a shopping cart.

No seriously.

Penwomanship?

in the 'letter' it mentions a cd. the cd you made for harlotte that was mix of all your fave stuff and things that convey your emotions that you mentioned earlier?

unless you made cds for everyone else....

I'll give her 4 years till she's an internet porn has-been!

yeah dude that's totally it.

i think werther has discovered the secret of success in life - keep your expectations low and denial high.

lol, when i text i use perfect language, T9 mode does not realize fake words. lol

sigh i am confused...is this all story or real.. if its story why is it not in lit, if its real, why is it not in like friendship///

Because then he wouldn't have the responsive audience he has here...

If he had a journal, it would be kept to 1 thread. not 15!!

that still does not tell me what it is