I was sitting here a minute ago and I was suddenly struck by the lack of definition in my life. There are currently two songs I have stuck in my head; Jealousy, by Natalie Merchant, and What's the Buzz, from Jesus Christ Superstar. I haven't heard either one audibly in, I believe, several weeks, at least. I'm not entirely sure what implications this has, but I'll get back to that. Anyway, the point is, I'm going to try and type this stuff out to sort out my thoughts for the moment. I find it increasingly hard to be serious about anything; this is probably the single most terrifying aspect of my life. I don't want to view life as a joke. I see these sad pathetic people all over the place, philosophical burn-outs that have no sense of wonder or creativity left in them because they've convinced themselves that the answer is just a joke; that existince itself is totally meaningless. I don't want to be like that. I don't want to lose my drive, or my focus; the problem is, I've always been disorganized and chaotic. I don't want to end up organized and rigid either, but I need some kind of form and definition, or more importantly some kind of vision. I'm pretty sure I believe in God; I've at least felt something akin to what I'd describe as a divine presence, but that could as easily be euphoria caused by exhaustion or some other kind of bullshit that winds up with me not knowing what the fuck's going on again. So the point is; there was a time when this board actually did do a lot for me. I'm not saying I needed it, or that my fate was hinged upon it, but it was a good brewing pot for me to stir around my ideas and theories in. Now...I dunno. It's degenerated into gender confusion and licking people all the time. I like laughter and warm fuzzy cuddleness, and I like being disorganized and unrestricted, but there's got to be some kind of balance. Free will exists somewhere between chaos and order. If all my actions are dictated by a series of reactions to pre-arranged stimuli, then I have no free will. If everything is random, then nothing I do matters at all, and I again have no real say, so again my free will is stripped. I suppose one of the first steps here is to admit that my drive is entirely selfish- the preservation of my sentience, and the acchievement of my desires. So what's my real drive? I used to be obsessed with the idea of enlightenment- now, I'm not even sure if I would be able to either recognize or acchieve enlightenment. Yet I still believe it exists. I guess this is the same as my view of God; I want it to exist, even if I can't have it. So if I believe it exists, why don't I move forward to grab it? Why am I frozen in place, afraid to move one way or the other? Maybe it relates to love. I have a lot of things and people I love in my life, but I'm not sure if that love is returned, or worth the investment. So I need vision. Some kind of goal. I don't have a goal. I'm stuck with one foot in the air, waiting for some kind of sign, and yet I know full well that if I continue waiting like this my entire life will pass me by. I'm not going to get an easy sign. I need to make a decision. Why the fuck is it that philosophy always seems so small when compared with the petty concerns of your everyday life? I want to just leave. Go...wander someplace. West, I guess. Like in Kung Fu. Probably not even possible, but that's what I want to do. What the fuck do I really care whether or not I get good grades in my fucking school? In the end, why the fuck would I care what kind of job I get, if it's not doing what I want to do in the first place? I can push papers for 5,000 a year, or 100,000, but does it really make a difference one way or the other? Why the fuck am I asking all these questions? Is it because I've pent them up for so long? It's been forever since I've really asked questions; I've settled on a routine of trying to guess at the answers instead. Almost as if I'd rather have an answer that was incorrect than wait for the right one. And if someone questioned that answer, rather than consider their side, I would argue them down, sure that anything they could say I hadn't already thought about wouldn't be worth hearing. And I'm now struck by an even worse thought; I haven't gone walking outside in months. I used to conquer sleep. Slept maybe four hours a day. Now I'm sleeping ten, twelve, average. I'm sinking into a lethargy, and I don't know if I'll ever be able to wake up. There's an inclination to believe that if you rest enough, you'll be full of energy, but the fact is that energy appears when needed; if I don't want to hibernate my entire life, I need to drag myself up and go out and do something with my life. So it's decided. Today, I'm not going to sleep. I'm going to go walking. I'm going to then do something that'll actually change my life in some way. At some future date I think I should work on cutting back my ego, or being kinder, but I think this first step is more important. I'm also not going to let myself delete this without posting. For those of you who are actually up at this hour and bothered to read these long, twisted ramblings, I want to share with you some happy news; yesterday, I made a three course Italian dinner.

For ante-pasto, I made tomato wedges and slices of mozarella cheese, sprinkled with basil and drizzled over with olive oil. For the salad, I mixed romaine lettuce with celery, sliced cucumbers, and spring onions, adding pepper, salt, lemon and lime juice, olive oil, and freshly ground ginger. The main meal, served with baked Italian bread, was a mix of rotini and angel hair spaghetti, served in a basil marinara sauce mixed with fried sausage sliced, liberally sprinkled with freshly ground ginger. This was for my entire family, of course- immediate family, anyway. I still need to bake some cookies for my aunt; it was her birthday yesterday. I'll say they were late in the mail or something. I've been watching the cooking channel too much lately. Anyway, I'm off to step outside.

Anyway, the phrases that keep repeating from those two songs I have stuck in my head;

"Why should you want to know?
Don't you mind about the future;
Don't you try to think ahead.
Save tomorrow for tomorrow;
Think about today instead." and

"Why should you want to know?
Why are you obsessed with fighting...
Times and fates, you can't defy?
If you knew the path we're riding...
You'd understand it (even) less than I..."

from "What's the Buzz", and

"Is she bright?
So well read?
Are there novels
By her bed?
Is she the kind
You always said
Could satisfy
Your head?" and

"Sometimes, tell me
While she's touching
Just by mistake
Accidentally do you say my name?"

from Jealousy. Still not sure what implications this has. So that's it, my foray into the World of Being Serious.

For starters- ask yourself, "what is my gender?". "Am I female or male?"

Perhaps these question will help you out a little more- considering that the two sexes act quite differently....

AAHHHHHH!!! No Parapgraph indents.....cannot read...eyes...melting...

I agree.

I'm going to respond to your post momentarily, but, seeing how its my birthday and I'm feeling mildly entitled to freeform bitching...

Could your signature possibly be any longer? You wrote one of the longest posts I've seen in a while, about a rather deep philosophical subject, yet your signature still managed to be longer than the god damned post...Christ on a crutch!

Anywho, concerning your post...

All things considered, you're really not that bad off. Just the fact that you're wondering what direction your life is headed in is often more important than where you actually go with it. Many of the people I meet around your age are spending large amounts of money on college courses, and they aren't even sure why they're taking them, these people are forging ahead without even knowing where or why. At least you're taking the time to ask.

Contrary to the popular belief of people who watch entirely too much TV and too many movies, not everyone manages to have that moment of clarity where the true path they must take in life is instantly revealed to them.

You might accuse me of oversimplifying, but I believe you'll find what you need if you simply take the time to sit down, or if you prefer, take a long walk and think about what makes you truly happy in life. Not simple, mindless pleasures, but what do you/can you do that you derive true satisfaction from. That should give you a solid indication of where your path lies.

Y'know, it's odd, but aside from a total lack of understanding as to what merits a seperate paragraph or not, I have a perfect understanding of the English language. At least that test I took in the 8th grade told me I had the literary level of a 4th year English Major in college...


Anywhoo, thanks for the advice.

Wow, you got a college grad score in english while you were in Jr. High too?!

Note: This sarcasm indicates that such a score is not that impressive.

And why don't you answer ShadowBorn's question of why you must keep your signature so long?

Wow, you sure were sarcastic. Yuuuuup.





And that's a good question you've got there...a very, very good question...yuuup....

You know we love you DM...

I entirely understand where you are coming from... my life has always lacked definition other than what has been expected of me... I've rebelled, I've searched inside me and outside me, and both (and neither) simultaneously... all to "define" myself. I've found words whose Webster's definitions I agree with. I've devised goals, when afterwards I realised the futility of several of them, and I've come to hate my procrastination in relation to the others...

These past few days, I've been rebelling against this definition of myself. I try to attain for a few moments each day, at least, an inner understanding that everything really IS worthless. The following, my roommate hates, "I don't exist." A simple statement, contrary to Descarte's famous statement. Paradox is quite odd, yet I've come to realise Chaos really is beautiful.

I don't even know what I'm saying right now, but I do understand your recent realisations... and as I just found out our ages are reasonably similar , I suppose that fits, eh.

I want to just walk away, experience life on my own, not tell anyone where I'm going... see the world (get out of my corner of the world for once), and yet... I always give myself arbitrary reasons why I don't.

I've been rejected from my top choice for college... and then, I realise that I really didn't know what I was wanting when I applied, I really had no REAL reason why I wanted to go to that particular institution; in fact, college only meant an additional four years of laziness in terms of self; I really can not say that I've improved as a person for all of my soul-searching, if you will. I need to DO things... I need to create. I've wasted four years of my life, I'm not getting any more intelligent with age, I should make the most of my youth. So, I've started several ambitious writing ventures... we shall see if my momentary burst of energy shall last.

I don't know. I sometimes want to and sometimes don't want to know. I guess this is life, and since I only live this life once, I might as well make the most of it. Seize the day and all that (a philosophy I've never ascribed to in the past). Oh well... C'est la vie.

Where in Missouri do you live?

Hey DM baby, I refuse to bitch about the length of your sig as we ALL have scroll bars should we need them...don't we people! Gah.

Anyways hunny, back to what you said in your post, and yes I read it all the way though, I think hunny you have got the nail hit on the head so to speak. You'll have to bare with me as I as I am no interlectual genius...but hey you know me by now hunny I believe you need to find yourself a new hobby, and activity something that pushes you to the limit, something more stimualting than walking or even pushing about in here searching for that interlectual drive that you feel is going to go stale (for want of better words). There is nothing wrong with choas or disorganisation...in moderation, you will find what it is you are looking for...and when you do..be it enlightenment or anything else that catches your eye you are going to have to throw yourself into it....I think you are bored, and like i said you need something stimulating that will push you to the limit and stop you feeling lethargic (sp?)
We all have the questions...most of us ignore them until the answers are in our faces...(life becomes easier that way) But I, like you, ask those questions before I have any idea where the answers may be. It is good to question everything, it has never done me any harm...but of course my answers are a lot simpler than yours....(I don't need to push to far to find my limits! lol*)
I seriously hope this is making sense, I am sure you can figure it out....hey it may even test your ability to search through crap to find something slightly interlectual...so my post may be doing good lol*
Take time out, think it over, try meditation...deep meditation loose yourself in nothing and let your subconcious have a say in all this. Be guided by what you feel is right and what suits you hunny. I know you are far from stupid...you do have to answers somewhere...you just have to look for them instead of guessing. You have already by the look of your post done some soul searching, so do it deeper hunny.
As for sleeping for hours....well you can set an alarm clock and get used to sleeping less time if you so desire...make you you don't lay about stagnent all day, give your mind something to work on. But do not deprive yourself of sleep altoghter otherwise you will fall into a dazed state and never find anything, your body needs sleep, just give it less if you like (not too much less aim for about 7 hours a night if you can).
I am going to leave it there hunny for fear of never being able to make sense again

DM....I loves you baby, *gives you lick to break the seroius look on your face for a second*

Here for as long as you need me.
SilverNymph XXxx

*licks Nymphy*


Thanks for the advice.


Well, I shortened the sig because certain assho- err, I mean, admin people were complaining and making veiled threats.




News of the day: Arsinik and Duddy suck great big donkey balls.

Right now, as near to Iowa as you can get, in the NW; after I get out of school in May, I'll be in KC til the following January.

I'll second SilverNymph's reply... meditation DOES work (just try to get to as natural a setting as possible).

Also, I've found these past few days, a sudden burst of energy; a desire to actually accomplish things... this has been accompanied by several goals that are not beyond my reach, although they are surely ambitious (and I hope to have the energy to accomplish them all ). Perhaps write, spend some time doing what you enjoy (I sing), etc. It may remind you why you've enjoyed life in the past.

I gave good advice...woohoo *feels proud *

*licks to DM* I loves you

Nymphy XXxx

*hugs DM.*
Its ok- I know you'll do and will be fine.
Good luck on your quest for success!

:p

"If all my actions are dictated by a series of reactions to pre-arranged stimuli, then I have no free will. If everything is random, then nothing I do matters at all, and I again have no real say, so again my free will is stripped."





Nothing is random, nor will anything ever be, whether a long string of perfectly blue days that begin and end in golden dimness, the most seemingly chaotic political acts, the rise of a great city, the crystalline structure of a gem that has never seen the light, the distributions of fortune, what time the cableman wakes up, the position of the electron, or the occurrence of one astonishingly frigid winter after another.

Even electrons, supposedly the paragons of unpredictability, are tame and obsequious little creatures that rush around at the speed of light, going precisely where they are supposed to go. They make faint whistling sounds that when apprehended in varying combinations are as pleasant as the wind, and they do exactly as they are told. Of this, one can be certain.

And yet there is a wonderful anarchy, in that the cableman chooses when to arise, the rat picks the tunnel into which he will dive when the subway comes rushing down the track from Borough Hall, and the rain will fall as it will. How can this be? If nothing is random, and everything is predetermined, how can there be free will? The answer to that is simple.

Nothing is predetermined; it is determined, or was determined, or will be determined. No matter, it all happened at once, in less than an instant, and time was invented because we cannot comprehend in one glance the enormous and detailed canvas that we have been given - so we track it, in linear fashion, piece by piece. Time, however, can be easily overcome; not by chasing light, but by standing back far enough to see it all at once.

The universe is still and complete. Everything that ever was, is; everything that ever will be, is...and so on, in all possible combinations. Though in perceiving it we imagine that it is in motion, and unfinished, it is quite finished and quite astonishingly beautiful.

In the end, or rather, as things really are, any event, no matter how small, is intimately and sensibly tied to all others. All rivers run full to the sea; those who are apart are brought together; the lost ones are redeemed; the perfectly blue days that have begun and ended in golden dimness continue, immobile and accessible; and, when all is perceived in such a way as to obviate time, justice becomes apparent not as something that will be, but as something that is.