Cashiering Tips 101

Hello,

I’m your friendly checker. Maybe you call me “the cashier” or “check out girl/lady/register bimbo/whore/missy. I’m a relatively normal person who, for some reason or other, whether it be severe low career expectations, a second job to make up for my insurmountable credit card bills, or to just fuel my alcohol habit, has the relentless task of checking you and your groceries out. I thought maybe some guidelines were in order, to clarify my miserable existence while working my shift.

Number 1. Paper vs. Plastic conundrum. I’ve gone to college. It’s real tough for me to ask this question. When I say “plastic OK?”, I mean plastic should be OK and shut the fuck up. The fact that you mill about making a life decision on whether you want your ramen noodles in a brown bag or plastic bag, only wants to make me shove the brown paper bag over your head and snuff the life out of you. Just say plastic. It’s easy for all of us in the long run. The conglomerate of a grocery store has already killed half the fucking forest and wasted tons upon tons of plastic bags. You bringing in your ratty, disease, dirty bags for me to pack your shit into won’t make a damned bit of difference, and will most likely spread tuberculosis or some other disease, so give it up, tree hugger. Those asking for .02 cents credit for bags they bring in, should immediately get their asses kicked in and their groceries thrown at them. Hard.

Number 2: I have a nametag. This does not give you carte blanche to use my name to make the situation light. Here’s the situation: I’m stuck in this shitty job, I check your groceries out, you shut the fuck up and the transaction is done as quickly as possible. Don’t quip and try to make a ‘funny’ with my first name, “So Mary, how are you?” or, “Mary, you look lonely that’s why I had to come on to your line!” Guess what? Mary is probably hung over and would rather stare off into space or read how aliens impregnated a baby goat from the Inquirer - but now your clever little quip will only prompt me to shove my finger directly into your leg of lamb so that you’ll have a nice thumb print in your roast for being such an asshat. In a word – NEVER address me by my name! Don’t even look at me directly.

Number 3: Learn how to use your fucking ATM/Credit cards. If you can shop for groceries and walk erect, you can fucking figure out how to use the goddamned credit card dispenser as you are checking out. Ready for a tutorial? Slide your card into the machine asshole! I do the rest! But you looking dazed at your card and the machine, only makes me want to flink you in the head with your card and call up Helen Keller or the Stupid Shits Anonymous club to help you with your dumb ass or at least cart you away.

Number 4: You see I don’t have a bagger, yet you let the shit pile up and look at your watch. This will only motivate me to move more slowly and also position your groceries in the most inopportune spots in the bag. HELP bag asshole, they’re your groceries!

Number 5. NEVER question me. When I check you out and you see a price discrepancy, and I tell you to go to the customer service booth – GO TO THE CUSTOMER SERVICE BOOTH. My drawer is closed and so is my precious time and interaction with you. I’d be more likely to help Sadaam Hussein find preparation H in aisle 8 and show him how to use it, than to deal with the price glitch on your sorry assed peaches for $1.29 which you had incorrectly read in the ‘circular” for 1.29 (and by the way don’t call it ‘circular’ – it’s a flyer, this will only get you a slap in the face with the plastic register divider, as will the mispronuciation of QQQQQPON – it’s Cooooopon assface).

Number 6 – When you see I am on a break, (i.e. I have a soda and am frantically running to the break room for my 3.5 minute break or I have my coat on already done with my shift) – you are by no means allowed to ask me about the problem with your self-check out problems. A monkey with his head up its ass can do the self check out – here’s another tutorial – you slide your shit under the scanner and it goes, “beep, beep, beep, beep”. If you fuck up, and the woman recording voice says, “please wait for assistance” – it by no means give you an allowance to whine to me about how the machine is broken. The machine is not broken – you are retarded. You fucked up a REAL easy thing “beep, beep, beep….whoops, I fucked up!” – now figure it out on your own, ask someone who gives a shit or starve to death!

eh.....

eh?

anywho....eh

Soooooo fuckin' true its scary

those are the only complaints she has?

She's a newbie!

i really gotta go ahead and add a couple here since im currently doing this grocery store hell. i work in the deli tho.


deli issues:

1. ALWAYS take a fucking number as soon as you walk up. failure to do so will result in no one fucking caring that you were there first, since you dont have a number to prove it. this also prevents you from having to deal with a manager because you feel you were treated unfairly, when in reality its your own fault for not having the IQ to realise you need a number...even though there are signs posted all over stating that you should take one.


2. i work a shit job in a shit deli in a shit grocery store. ive been at it for enough years to know what im doing. when you ask for your turkey or your ham cut thin, you dont need to lean WAY over the counter and give me the fucking hairy eyeball to ensure that im doing it right. that will only result in me fucking up your order as soon as your back is turned. you wanted a pound of ham thin? if you give me shit about just how thin it is, ill cut it thin...then ill cut a huge fucking slab and top it off with more thin slices. just let me do my job, i know what im doing idiot.


3. do NOT assume that just because im behind the counter and youre having a bad day, that you can take out your issues on me. you order eveything sliced paper thin and you get rude and tell me i gave you too much or not enough....thats it. ive had it. you get snotty with me because i accidently priced somthing wrong and i fix it yet you give me a sour look? and then you have the audacity for ask for a pound of cheese cut thin and add "priced right this time". im going to give your neatly stacked thin sliced pound of cheese CPR so you cannot ever get it apart. dont fuck with the people who handle your food.





the above is all stuff ive done in my job. it was all deserved.

That whole thing was probably written by XBeautysDemiseX.

good stuff there.

working customer service sucks! sadly i'm really good at it.

but it's better than sales.

ive even spit in a customers cole slaw once because she asked me to get her the fresh stuff from the back room even tho the stuff in the case WAS fresh. so i made sure she got what she wanted....heheheh and a bonus surprise.

you should be happy im not the person who puts toy surprises in cereal boxes! mwahahaha!

Casheir lines are one of the places where I think Nazis would be appropriate, Nazis in black SS uniforms complete with the deaths head insignia, and full Nazi-like authority.

I want to get through the checkout line with Nazi like efficiency. I don't want to have a friendly chat with the cashier, and more importantly, I don't want to stand there and wait while YOU have a friendly chat with the cashier.

This is what I want to see...

Naziin cheesy Hollywood German accent) "This is the 12 item or less express lane, I see you have 20 items there in your cart. (draws pistol) GET ON THE TRAIN!"

another...
In the "cash only" express lane.
Customer: (after scanning is complete) "Oh my, I seem to have forgotten my cash, can I just write a check?"

Nazi: "Are you an illiterate sub-human? The sign says cash only!(draws pistol) GET ON THE TRAIN!"


yet another....
In any lane.
Customer: "That jar of pickles scanned at $1.39, the shelf price tag said it was $1.29, can you please call someone to check that?"

Nazi: "NO HAGGLING OVER PENNIES!!!!!!! NO TRAIN FOR YOU! THE PENALTY IS IMMEDIATE DEATH!!!"(draws pistol, fires into the forehead of the customer)


Sorry, but grocery store lines are a pet peeve of mine.

Also, it's fucking 2005. Can we please ban personal paper checks? Get a fucking debit card!

Some people would even make an issue for 5 cents.


But what i hate are people (mostly seniors) paying a large amount of money with little coins.
It only got worse since introduction of the EURO.

i'm more irritated when people pay with a twenty or fifty for a five dollar movie, and then get upset because all i have for change to give them are ones and fives, resulting in me having to stop and request more money...making them even more angry because i explained i just got the register and simply do not have a hundred dollars in my register!

but they're all not bad, i do serve some amazing customers...they're nice, friendly and there's even one elderly gentleman that often gives me a couple of dollars for a drink...he grins and asks..."you work hard enough for a drink, don't you?"

i'd have to say generally it's fifty fifty...