A man with a black eye, boards a plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down. He immediately notices that the man next to him also has a black eye and says, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?"

The other guy replies, "Well, it was a tongue twister accident. I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most beautiful large breasts was there. So, instead of saying, 'I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh,' I accidentally said, 'I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh.'...and she socked me a good one."

The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife, 'Please pour me a cup of coffee honey.' But I accidentally said, 'You have ruined my life you evil, self-centered, fat-assed, bitch'!

ummm ya ok

Redneck Bubba died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad, and the morgue needed someone to identify the body. So his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer, were sent for.

Daryl went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Daryl said, " Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll 'im over."

So the mortician rolled him over and Daryl looked and said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."

The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll 'im over."

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer looked down and said, "No, 'tain't Bubba."

The mortician, whose curiosity had gotten the better of him, asked, "How can you tell?"

Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."

"What," exclaimed the mortician, "he had two assholes?"

"Yup, ever'one in town knew he had two assholes. Ever'time we went to town, folks would all say, "Here comes Bubba with them two assholes."

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 6 year old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the construction crew -gems in the rough all of them more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot.

They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the dollar pay she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I've been working with a crew building a house all week".

"My goodness gracious", said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week too"?

"I will if those useless cocksuckers at the lumberyard ever bring us the fucking drywall", replied the little girl.



:rolleyes:

a little girl was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders mating.

“daddy, what are those two spiders doing?” she asked.

“they’re mating,” her father replied.

“what do you call the spider on top, daddy?” she asked.

“that’s a daddy longlegs.” her father answered.

“so, the other one is a mommy longlegs?” the little girl asked.

“no,” her father replied. “both of them are daddy longlegs.”

the little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped them flat. “well, we’re not having that sort of shit in our garden.”

aww fuck that's funny you guys....lil girls....

Two new chemical elements have recently been discovered. Here for the first time is a descrption of their properties.

Element Name: WOMAN

Symbol: WO

Atomic Weight: (don't even go there!)

Physical Properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.

Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

-------------------------------

Element Name: MAN

Symbol: XY

Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)

Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.

Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (Element: Child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.

Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.

Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.
:D

hahahah :D