VampireDust
05-23-02, 16:21
well, its not like all you guys will want to read about my life anyways. but damn does it ever feel good to get it all down and out of my head.
i dont know how often im going to be posting on here, and i dont even care if anyone bothers reading this.
why is it there are so many questions in life? dont the questions that just cant seem to be answered, bug the shit out of you?
why doesnt my family accept me? why cant people look past my make up, my hair, my out person and realize that my inner person needs help? maybe its because i dont want the help. maybe im afraid of anyone knowing what goes on inside my head. do you think im a bad person? oh thats right, you dont know all that much about me. to you all i am is a bunch of words, with a signature, a nick, and an avatar. well i dont really think i am a bad person. i think everyone has their bad times and high times. there are a lot of things in life that i regret, but most of them i would never change. thats the thing, people dont realize that everything you do makes you who/what you are. if i went back and changed what ive done or who i have communicated with, i wouldnt be the me who i am right now. but on another hand, maybe i dont want to be the me that is me right now. maybe i want to be someone else? doesnt everyone want to be someone else. i mean truly, is there even anyone out there who is completely and totaly secure and happy with themselves? im not sure how much im allowed to write so im just going to keep on writing. today was a weird day. at school i kept having flashbacks of what has happened to me and my family over the past three years. i mean its not like our family was better before three years ago, but everything for a while there seemed to go downhill. when i was in grade nine my brother(who had OCD, ADHA, and took medication for it...and completely hated it and was tortured with it for years) killed himself by hanging himself in his closet. my dad was the one who found him. and i talked to the psychologist about a weird thing that happened that night, in fact ive talked to a lot of people about it, and noone knows whats up with it. its that that day, when my dad found ryan, he screamed out for someone to get a knife, and me in the living room watching a movie had no idea what was going on, ran to the kitchen and got a very large knife, somehow knowing deep down what had happened. it was extremely weird, and i only just realized that last year sometime. last year we moved twice. and all last year we built our own house. so over the past little while we have been dealing with a lot. not to mention i have four little brothers(3 of whom are still alive) all younger than me. and ryan(who died) was 11 at the time and has a twin named matthew. matthew is turning 13 on the 31st of this month(may). well now that most of my history is over i think ill end it here and see how much room i took up!
i dont know how often im going to be posting on here, and i dont even care if anyone bothers reading this.
why is it there are so many questions in life? dont the questions that just cant seem to be answered, bug the shit out of you?
why doesnt my family accept me? why cant people look past my make up, my hair, my out person and realize that my inner person needs help? maybe its because i dont want the help. maybe im afraid of anyone knowing what goes on inside my head. do you think im a bad person? oh thats right, you dont know all that much about me. to you all i am is a bunch of words, with a signature, a nick, and an avatar. well i dont really think i am a bad person. i think everyone has their bad times and high times. there are a lot of things in life that i regret, but most of them i would never change. thats the thing, people dont realize that everything you do makes you who/what you are. if i went back and changed what ive done or who i have communicated with, i wouldnt be the me who i am right now. but on another hand, maybe i dont want to be the me that is me right now. maybe i want to be someone else? doesnt everyone want to be someone else. i mean truly, is there even anyone out there who is completely and totaly secure and happy with themselves? im not sure how much im allowed to write so im just going to keep on writing. today was a weird day. at school i kept having flashbacks of what has happened to me and my family over the past three years. i mean its not like our family was better before three years ago, but everything for a while there seemed to go downhill. when i was in grade nine my brother(who had OCD, ADHA, and took medication for it...and completely hated it and was tortured with it for years) killed himself by hanging himself in his closet. my dad was the one who found him. and i talked to the psychologist about a weird thing that happened that night, in fact ive talked to a lot of people about it, and noone knows whats up with it. its that that day, when my dad found ryan, he screamed out for someone to get a knife, and me in the living room watching a movie had no idea what was going on, ran to the kitchen and got a very large knife, somehow knowing deep down what had happened. it was extremely weird, and i only just realized that last year sometime. last year we moved twice. and all last year we built our own house. so over the past little while we have been dealing with a lot. not to mention i have four little brothers(3 of whom are still alive) all younger than me. and ryan(who died) was 11 at the time and has a twin named matthew. matthew is turning 13 on the 31st of this month(may). well now that most of my history is over i think ill end it here and see how much room i took up!