not to sound cold, but the only way she'll be able to resolve all those issues if they did indeed happen to her is through proffessional help, either counselling, therapy or something...someone already mentioned that you need to center yourself to be there to help her...an empty well can not provide water to those who have none.

Check into getting her some therapy group, i myself am going to one for parenting purposes...so they are out there, the first step is admitting it's an issue...

figure out what you need to do to get yourself back into a functional state...two disfunctional people just make more disfunctional scenarios...you both need the back bone to realize this is not an issue that will resolve itself...dwelling on what's been done will solve nothing, healing is what's required, until the self is healed there is none...only fractures of the self...only a person can repair themselves, but sometimes they need a guide.

it takes two whole people for a healthy relationship.