Heh...

My favorite dream, my favorite nightmare... one and the same. This is the origin of the nickname I use sometimes,

"Alluring-Nightmare"

It was while I was on a trip in Australia, a working holiday visa... I had been there for nearly 10 months, and was due to go home shortly. A lot of events had happened while there, that I was not really proud of, a lot of things had happened while there, which left me feeling broken. Everybody wears a mask at one point during their life, and to make a very long story short, the events had smashed everything that lay behind my own mask, leaving me with the one part of me I hated the most... the part that wasn't a very accurate representation of me...

Anyways... I can remember dreaming that I was back at home with one of my best friends, and I was out on the porch of the cabin we were staying in one evening, hanging up clothes on a clothes line which was strung along the length of it... and I can remember hearing feet coming up the steps behind me, and a male voice saying, "You may want to stay outside, I have a little present for your friend.." and then the sound of the door opening and closing... the key thing in my memory in that dream, was the image of his shadow stretched along the porch, and though I hadn't turned to see such, the shadow had revealed that he held a gun in his hand. I wrapped a shirt around my hand, and smashed the window which was right beside me. I crawled in through the window, for I knew that the door had been locked, and the two of them just stood there staring at me, my friend with a really sad expression on her face... the man, with kinda an incredulous look which was odd for he didn't really have a face... a moment passed and then he just sorta said, "Fine, I guess you can have the present which I had intended for your friend here..." and then he raised the gun, and shot me once in my abdomen, low and to the left, and once right in the centre of my chest... I can still remember quite vividly, how it felt... it felt like being hit really really hard, a very brief flash of pain, and then the shock just sort of made me go numb... while I fell to the ground. Then everything around me went distant, while I can remember tears slipping down my face, as I felt the most beautiful feeling anybody could ever imagine... a feeling of complete and utter calm, and peace, and just love to the purest degree that you could ever have it... something that I now hold with a firm belief, I know that I will never find that feeling as long as I am alive and on this earth..

They say that if you die in a dream, then you die in real life as well... which is why I think the next part of the dream was such complete and utter bullshit.. .~laughs softly~ I can remember quite clearly hearing this soft whisper in my head, "Follow the cockroaches through the cabbage patch"... which I did.. which was severly odd, because I absolutely hate cockroaches with a passion.. (something I learned while in Australia) and then suddenly that image faded and I was "back on the floor of the cabin, while my friend held me and cried and cried and cried" and I can remember trying to comfort her and nothing seemed to work... I kept on trying to let her know that I was okay... she never got it. During my "death" she had called an ambulance, and she kept on telling me that they would be here soon... to hold on... and so on. And then she ran out the door. I followed her, and she ran down the street to a nearby store... which I followed her into. I was still trying to let her know that I was okay, and the store manager was trying to console her as well saying that he was sure I'd be fine... then she took off outta the store and down the road again. Again, I followed, and then we saw the ambulance coming down the road.. I was kinda relieved for I figured that maybe now they were here, she'd calm down... only when they pulled over and she leapt in, saying that I was back on the floor of the cabin, and began to give them directions... it hit me as they drove off... that beautiful feeling I had felt, had been death's embrace.

I actually woke up crying, because at the time, the way I felt about life was that I really truly did not want to live it. The dream, really did not help that any and for a few weeks I was quite depressed, all I wanted was to feel that feeling of pure happiness and love like I had felt in the dream.. and I still remain firm that I will never find that while alive on earth.. it was like a wave of all the best things just washing over and through and bathing me, cleansing me...

That was the only dream I died in... which wasn't a very positive dream, yet it will forever be my favorite. It was also the most lucid dream I have ever had...
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It was interesting, because I was telling someone I know about this dream just recently, he is in the US Army, and when I finished he was just kinda quiet for a while, and then he said that the way that I described how it felt to be shot, was identical to how his friends who actually have been shot before have described it... so that kinda freaked me out.

Xxx-SIN-xxX