You know we love you DM...

I entirely understand where you are coming from... my life has always lacked definition other than what has been expected of me... I've rebelled, I've searched inside me and outside me, and both (and neither) simultaneously... all to "define" myself. I've found words whose Webster's definitions I agree with. I've devised goals, when afterwards I realised the futility of several of them, and I've come to hate my procrastination in relation to the others...

These past few days, I've been rebelling against this definition of myself. I try to attain for a few moments each day, at least, an inner understanding that everything really IS worthless. The following, my roommate hates, "I don't exist." A simple statement, contrary to Descarte's famous statement. Paradox is quite odd, yet I've come to realise Chaos really is beautiful.

I don't even know what I'm saying right now, but I do understand your recent realisations... and as I just found out our ages are reasonably similar , I suppose that fits, eh.

I want to just walk away, experience life on my own, not tell anyone where I'm going... see the world (get out of my corner of the world for once), and yet... I always give myself arbitrary reasons why I don't.

I've been rejected from my top choice for college... and then, I realise that I really didn't know what I was wanting when I applied, I really had no REAL reason why I wanted to go to that particular institution; in fact, college only meant an additional four years of laziness in terms of self; I really can not say that I've improved as a person for all of my soul-searching, if you will. I need to DO things... I need to create. I've wasted four years of my life, I'm not getting any more intelligent with age, I should make the most of my youth. So, I've started several ambitious writing ventures... we shall see if my momentary burst of energy shall last.

I don't know. I sometimes want to and sometimes don't want to know. I guess this is life, and since I only live this life once, I might as well make the most of it. Seize the day and all that (a philosophy I've never ascribed to in the past). Oh well... C'est la vie.