I was sitting here a minute ago and I was suddenly struck by the lack of definition in my life. There are currently two songs I have stuck in my head; Jealousy, by Natalie Merchant, and What's the Buzz, from Jesus Christ Superstar. I haven't heard either one audibly in, I believe, several weeks, at least. I'm not entirely sure what implications this has, but I'll get back to that. Anyway, the point is, I'm going to try and type this stuff out to sort out my thoughts for the moment. I find it increasingly hard to be serious about anything; this is probably the single most terrifying aspect of my life. I don't want to view life as a joke. I see these sad pathetic people all over the place, philosophical burn-outs that have no sense of wonder or creativity left in them because they've convinced themselves that the answer is just a joke; that existince itself is totally meaningless. I don't want to be like that. I don't want to lose my drive, or my focus; the problem is, I've always been disorganized and chaotic. I don't want to end up organized and rigid either, but I need some kind of form and definition, or more importantly some kind of vision. I'm pretty sure I believe in God; I've at least felt something akin to what I'd describe as a divine presence, but that could as easily be euphoria caused by exhaustion or some other kind of bullshit that winds up with me not knowing what the fuck's going on again. So the point is; there was a time when this board actually did do a lot for me. I'm not saying I needed it, or that my fate was hinged upon it, but it was a good brewing pot for me to stir around my ideas and theories in. Now...I dunno. It's degenerated into gender confusion and licking people all the time. I like laughter and warm fuzzy cuddleness, and I like being disorganized and unrestricted, but there's got to be some kind of balance. Free will exists somewhere between chaos and order. If all my actions are dictated by a series of reactions to pre-arranged stimuli, then I have no free will. If everything is random, then nothing I do matters at all, and I again have no real say, so again my free will is stripped. I suppose one of the first steps here is to admit that my drive is entirely selfish- the preservation of my sentience, and the acchievement of my desires. So what's my real drive? I used to be obsessed with the idea of enlightenment- now, I'm not even sure if I would be able to either recognize or acchieve enlightenment. Yet I still believe it exists. I guess this is the same as my view of God; I want it to exist, even if I can't have it. So if I believe it exists, why don't I move forward to grab it? Why am I frozen in place, afraid to move one way or the other? Maybe it relates to love. I have a lot of things and people I love in my life, but I'm not sure if that love is returned, or worth the investment. So I need vision. Some kind of goal. I don't have a goal. I'm stuck with one foot in the air, waiting for some kind of sign, and yet I know full well that if I continue waiting like this my entire life will pass me by. I'm not going to get an easy sign. I need to make a decision. Why the fuck is it that philosophy always seems so small when compared with the petty concerns of your everyday life? I want to just leave. Go...wander someplace. West, I guess. Like in Kung Fu. Probably not even possible, but that's what I want to do. What the fuck do I really care whether or not I get good grades in my fucking school? In the end, why the fuck would I care what kind of job I get, if it's not doing what I want to do in the first place? I can push papers for 5,000 a year, or 100,000, but does it really make a difference one way or the other? Why the fuck am I asking all these questions? Is it because I've pent them up for so long? It's been forever since I've really asked questions; I've settled on a routine of trying to guess at the answers instead. Almost as if I'd rather have an answer that was incorrect than wait for the right one. And if someone questioned that answer, rather than consider their side, I would argue them down, sure that anything they could say I hadn't already thought about wouldn't be worth hearing. And I'm now struck by an even worse thought; I haven't gone walking outside in months. I used to conquer sleep. Slept maybe four hours a day. Now I'm sleeping ten, twelve, average. I'm sinking into a lethargy, and I don't know if I'll ever be able to wake up. There's an inclination to believe that if you rest enough, you'll be full of energy, but the fact is that energy appears when needed; if I don't want to hibernate my entire life, I need to drag myself up and go out and do something with my life. So it's decided. Today, I'm not going to sleep. I'm going to go walking. I'm going to then do something that'll actually change my life in some way. At some future date I think I should work on cutting back my ego, or being kinder, but I think this first step is more important. I'm also not going to let myself delete this without posting. For those of you who are actually up at this hour and bothered to read these long, twisted ramblings, I want to share with you some happy news; yesterday, I made a three course Italian dinner.

For ante-pasto, I made tomato wedges and slices of mozarella cheese, sprinkled with basil and drizzled over with olive oil. For the salad, I mixed romaine lettuce with celery, sliced cucumbers, and spring onions, adding pepper, salt, lemon and lime juice, olive oil, and freshly ground ginger. The main meal, served with baked Italian bread, was a mix of rotini and angel hair spaghetti, served in a basil marinara sauce mixed with fried sausage sliced, liberally sprinkled with freshly ground ginger. This was for my entire family, of course- immediate family, anyway. I still need to bake some cookies for my aunt; it was her birthday yesterday. I'll say they were late in the mail or something. I've been watching the cooking channel too much lately. Anyway, I'm off to step outside.

Anyway, the phrases that keep repeating from those two songs I have stuck in my head;

"Why should you want to know?
Don't you mind about the future;
Don't you try to think ahead.
Save tomorrow for tomorrow;
Think about today instead." and

"Why should you want to know?
Why are you obsessed with fighting...
Times and fates, you can't defy?
If you knew the path we're riding...
You'd understand it (even) less than I..."

from "What's the Buzz", and

"Is she bright?
So well read?
Are there novels
By her bed?
Is she the kind
You always said
Could satisfy
Your head?" and

"Sometimes, tell me
While she's touching
Just by mistake
Accidentally do you say my name?"

from Jealousy. Still not sure what implications this has. So that's it, my foray into the World of Being Serious.