Back again. Something trippy just below. Carefully reading. It's very long again. NF.


Pearls of night.

Lost somewhere between day and night.
Born to leave everyone, born to be left alone.
Pearls of night, tears on my unspoken face, fallen dreams, pushed away from dreamed stars, killed from real dirt.
Mind speaks again, everyone shut non-thoughts, non-words.
I promise, never keeping my word because I’m scared to be near to someone.
Disgusted from this self.
Ups and downs make me forceless, these tempos make me strong.
But don’t want to become more stronger.
This fucking wall around this self, made of these stones from the past time
Cold within these dead trees around the ruin.
All the ugly stories which crash through this broken bulwark, I don’t want this anymore.
Stop this pearls of night.
Tears on my closed eyes.
Stop giving me strength and this cold and colder feeling.
This house I´m in, forced to stay in there because I´m strong.
Let me go out of these closed doors, locked from outside.
Let me sink in weakness, let lights shine from me, let weakness find comfort.
Let me breath.
Don´t let me crawl up hills, don´t push me down from it again.
There are no holes, but this disharmony is my harmony.
Conflict is the way I´ve taken.
I climb, I fall.
Looking for freedom somewhere between all this.
Seems it´s all that I know, so it´s all that I´ve to accept.
Three sides life, I´m in to.
Three side view I look from, natural born.
There is someone outside of me.
Judged by my mind, the hangman, demon with a mouth.
Let me breath, let me go, let me talk and free me from this self by myself.
Unheard words, speechless somewhere.
Let me tell the truth.
Sitting in some places where I promised to meet.
Lies because of scary dreams, wanting to hide myself.
Turning into my house, trustless.
Again I talk because blood became chemical poison.
My words somehow, between lines and painted rounds.
I keep myself within.
Everyone is invited, there is people talking but no one is there.
Silence go away from me, silence be my friend.
I hide under the ground.
Seeing the self walking in the endless labyrinth of trees.
Forest made of thoughts, falling leaves.
Fog shines in front of me, I know the truth, it needs much more to make me blind.
Walking in circles, so far away from where bodies sit.
Deep sinking nowhere, I cannot move my biological soul anymore.
I know you.
I feel how you suck sigh out of me.
Then calm again.
This ghost-thoughts, pretending not to exist, but still perturbing me.
You will never find a way to le me open these doors.
Running away from biological souls, already met to often, I know you.
There is a street, there is a storm which pushes me around.
Lost in fire.
Broken wall from war, from the conflict.
Far distant I see some flames.
Am I coming from there of did I choose to made it to my destination?
My dreams don´t care about their wishes, neither they talk with me anymore, to less I believed on them.
Give me some sleep, tired of this voices which talk nothing, which bring nowhere.
I used to speak, I don´t anymore.
Turning inside.
This lot, this empty weight I´m carrying on.
These wounds won’t stop bleeding, no matter how much I care, no matter how loud I scream, no matter how much they hurt.
Let me go, I know you, you will not.
Let me construct this wall higher, let me be this, else I won´t to be.
Let give this an end, let this end be me.
Let me go out of this house, to keep the promises I gave, let me break these lies.
I want to talk but still I´ve no voice.
Empty shell I’m, so full of this kind of nothing, I´ve no space for anything else.
Somewhere I think my brain is working of capacity, there is emptiness though.
Hear my word living, I know everything already, it´s an endless repetition.
Each conversation I already hold with my chemical soul.
These words seem so unreal outside here, they seem to be flowing in a wrong way each time I try to speak.
Kept between spoken and listened.
Just a cheap copy.
Just a fucking fake from something heavy.
I need to destroy this room I´m in.
And again I´m drunk.
I keep on watching this painted movement of this mind.
Where does it go?
This coloured circulation, like warm blood, spat out these screams against me because I said I hate.
This broken promise, this lie I used against freedom.
Means that truth is free? No answer.
Splitting mind, foolish behavour.
Trying to act in the known norm because I´m awed to scare.
Flipping out I don´t realise people anymore, deep feelings keep my chemical soul attached on this sold cold frozen ground.
I just want to loose the self.
Smashed appreciation from outside to me, lost I don´t want know how to handle it.
I don´t want to hate, neither to love.
Leave me with your kind words, leave me with your truth word, leave me with your lies.
Give me an answer to the self, an apology to it.
Give me something broken to repair, give me something new, give me something I don´t know, bring me into silence.
Give me a million night stars and let me loose my mind in that unknown space.
Give me air, give me obvious less.
Keep far away from this ok status I´m in.
Push me there when I need to.
Write down all these words and don´t laugh.
Give me a chance to be heard, give nothing because nothing is new.
Give me feeling.
Meeting souls is easy, meeting the right ones is impossible.
To many expectation because of this complex mind system.
Never said my life is beautiful but it´s dammed interesting: is this enough?
Is this it?
If I only could know if I´m doing right.
If I only could predict the minute before my death and know if I would feel ok with what I´ve done and gave to myself.
What if it´s not so?
What if I should have listened to this voice who always talk about liberation, what if this one is the truth?
So much noise in my head, but no replies.
Things are nicely getting heavy and confused, flooded away somewhere in this non-blood in my veins.
Voices are again getting compact in just one only mass scream, wasted into nothing: honesty hide yourself and don´t talk to this fictives ears.
There is none here, don´t you see?
Is this desolation what gives me life?
Yet these dead pages keep me alive.
There is a nice road somewhere outside there, I walk into it sometimes, then I loose myself nicely on it, in places I find some pure air.
Slowly leads me to an end.
I crossed the dead line, somewhere in my past, now I got followed by it.
Once time something is near to die, it never gets back to life again.
Sinking in this French water.
Determination is not something clear, nothing pure.
This dead pages are what keeps me alive tonight.
My chemical souls is what brings determination, extermination, introductive in massive freedom.
I accept the talked lies from the past.
Falling down from somewhere, hit on the floor of this known routine.
So many words I find nowhere, so many feeling I don´t feel.
The more I push the self, the more it gets frozen in indefinite places;
the way from it is clear, the way to it, even more.
Dirty sticky windows won’t let me see what I´ve seen so many times before.
I´ve to leave, fast, faster.
Dangerous kind I´m.
Watching this self in the mirror.
Pearls in the reflection if I try to reach my souls trough my eyes.
Dead ice.
Frozen wreck you are.
Breaking the reflected face in thousand pieces, washed away the next morning, as if nothing happened before.
Something aggressive in this unlocked house.
I don´t see my shadow anymore, I´m sure it´s somewhere around in between this given lies and promises.
I´m everywhere, but I don´t feel where the most: give me words and I´ll say them.
Got out from a non-concept. Take me in again.
Strangers are the ones which understand, far away they kept what I say.
Pearls of night will not shine anymore.
There is no sound, there is no noise, no bad voice.
I´m the picture on the broken wall.
The faint who tries to scream.
I´m the stranger in town, the trophy of bad jokes.
You get too much into my world and then you run.
So many times I tried to jump from the bridge, mother’s face swallowed in the depth.
It was a cold winter air I remember.
I used to hate her for keeping me alive.
So many times I tried to reach a destination, so many times my father said I would fail.
Headfuck now.
I felt into emptiness on this dead life line, my body smashed on the floor where girls ask for cheap price.
In this empire of dirty windows I keep watching outside.
Crawling out from filter of life, destroying myself.
Calm mind I´ve now, keep it warm from myself for myself.
Time to go home, through this woods of thoughts, deforested trunks.
Stand up and watch your life from there, sit down and march under your life line.
Change position of view to understand.
This dead pages give me what somebody rarely can.
This dead pages never end, they just begin to live.
This perfect moment, I breath with the last gasp I´ve in my chemical heart.
Steps into hell, tell me to go back.
I know I´ll not sleep if I turn away and close the door behind me.
I know you and I know your name.
Lost in these ups and downs.
The cancer of life eats me from outside, all these pills will change nothing.
All this sleep will not change these mistakes.
I´ll be quiet for a while, I´ll shut my dreams and my non-hopes for a moment.
The next hour of walking up again will only be the same.
The wall on this build house burns, I know it´s time to go, at the end, only words.
I know it´s time to leave, but I don´t know where, this is all I know.
Outside there, I´m a stranger, unknown, unfelt, misunderstood.
I´m nowhere anymore.
It´s not a sad day, I know it because I said this before somehow.
It´s one of this never endless days, with no thing with no nothing.
This pearls of night which didn’t fall like I presumed they would do.
I´ll collect tears some other time, some other life.
I know this head noise, I heard it before many times.
It never stops, it never does.
Leave me.
Keep me in yourself.
Somewhere, somehow.
Pearls of night, don´t cry.
Everything will be better tomorrow, even if you know it´s not so.
Keep this dreams.
Lie to yourself again.
Dream about perfectionism.
Dream about an endless smile, while you know you don´t want it so.
Fill up this with all nothing, while you know it´s not so.
Tell the truth, while you know you don´t believe on it anyway.
Stop filling up this dead pages, and I do so.
This pearls of night never die and I´m happy with it.