I have tried to take your advice. I have tried to stay positive about California, and I remind myself a hundred or more times a day how much I love him, and how much he means to me. But.

Being here has been harder on me than I could have ever expected. Taking a break from my life in SF has opened my eyes to some things I have never considered. My life is here, and though my boyfriend may not be, my heart is also here. My soul is here. I revel in the snowfall and the weather reports. I delight in having the people I care about within driving distance. I had forgotten what that friendship and love is like. I have been away too long, and I feel it's time to come home. I have never once in my life been on my own, and for the past two years I have been a housewife. My entire life I have longed for my independence, longed to make that journey "into my own". I have no freedom in California. I have no options. I did not realize until I was away from my own loneliness just how utterly alone I really was. And will continue to be unless I do something about it. Even if I move back here and realize three or four months down the road that I have made a terrible mistake and want to move back to Cali, at least I will know. If I go back there and stay and continue on that path, I will regret it forever, and I will come to resent him for keeping me there. I already do, and that's why I left for home.

I'm beginning to realize I have some serious issues to work out, and I didn't realize it before because I was completely numb and closed off. The only thing sustaining me was the love of a man, and no matter how much I love him and he loves me, sometimes it just isn't enough. My own self came into focus since I have been here, and there are things I really need to work out, and I cannot do that in Cali. I have depression issues, fidelity issues, guilt issues and most of all, I have issues with my own self reliance. How can I be there 100% for him if I'm not 100% sure of myself? How can I love him with all my heart when part of it is sitting in a snowbank in Minnesota? I can't. You cannot love someone completely until you love yourself, and I have been rotting from the inside out in California, and I need to fix it.

I tried to tell my boyfriend how I felt, but I couldn't over the phone, it's not fair to him. The most unfair part of this entire ordeal is that he truly deserves better than me when I am the way I am now. He deserves a girl who will not resent him for following his dreams, he deserves a woman who will not run to the arms of another man because she feels trapped in her own skin. He deserves a woman who will not break his heart on her journey to completeness. Maybe someday I will be all of these things, but right now I am not. The fact that I love him seems insignificant beside the weight of my past actions, and pales dramatically beside what I feel I must do. I am not whole yet, and I may not be for a very long time. I can only hope that he will see past my confessions and the pain I will cause, to the fact that I'm not ONLY doing this for myself. He deserves better, and I am not yet that woman.


You may be thinking that my friends and family have convinced me to move home, you warned me of it, but it's just not the case. My family and friends have been SO supportive of me, and it's only recently I have begun to confide in them these feelings I have. Surprisingly, all but one of my friends has asked me to reconsider my idea to move home to figure things out. They know how much he means to me, and though they may not all like him, they know that I love him. This decision is not final, when I get back to California I will give myself a couple of months to acclamate and see if I don't feel better about where I'm at. I will sit down with my boyfriend and finally tell him ALL of the things that have been building up inside of me, without holding back the things that will cause him pain. It's time to come clean and find out where I stand, with him and with myself.

It's been a very confusing and painful two weeks, and though I can't wait to be in the arms of my boyfriend, I'm dreading the fact that I will undoubtably break his heart. Whether I stay in California or not, my relationship with him will never be the same. I don't know if I deserve his forgiveness, but I can always hope for it.