Quote:
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Originally Posted by Quiet..... Abandonment
All laughter has faded from these eyes
As these cherry lips remain sealed
Upon cerulean waves of the overwhelming cumulus
Floats the shattered remains of a foolish boat
While the salt seeks refuge within these tight pores
And vapor mists are only of dreams
Scatter the blue
For the most tired moment is the next day
Bereft of ascent minus the push of the vast ocean
And the ultimate drag
Of gravity
Once upon a curse
Of a broken mind
Where the worms find their holes
The galaxy awaits yet the lungs rattle with mortal chill
Of boundary and pause
As this loneliness wails |
the problem i have with this type of verse is that it's basically a broad view of a specific feeling/emotion, and for me that comes across as deeply impersonal. generalising in this way creates distance from the reader, it becomes a random read, particularly when the analogies used are as common waves/ocean etc etc. there's obviously events and situations surrounding these feelings, you're almost cheating yourself by not exploring them. it's not a badly written poem or anything, but i'd be lying if i didn't say it was clichéd and calculated. having said that, i've not read enough of your poetry to make a better assessment, this could have been a one off. again, it wasn't a bad poem. i'm sure there are folks that will love it, but for me it felt like you took an uncomplicated route.
other than that: do you ever sign in to your AIM account!?!?