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All throughout the affair she felt as if she wanted to vomit. With the gag reflex he forced upon her, she almost did several times.
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hahahahaha....awe, thatz fuckin' fantastic!
oooh, building up tension already.....great!
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Glancing down, her false grin slid a bit as one of his minds was apparently being distracted by the fiddling above and was drooping. To regain its attentions, she made a reciprocating move of her own and reached up to the small hooks holding her taut. It was her first front clasping brassiere, one of its main selling points, and was almost as odd to take off as it was to put on.
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this confused the hell outta me....what is he fiddling with? his top button? if so, say so...."To Regain ITS attentions....?"....what, his penis i'm assuming? again, say so.....and um, "she reached up to the small hooks holding her taut?" um....okay, i had to reread this line a couple of times....'cuz i read it as "small hooks holding her taut" with taut as a noun, which it obviously isn't....reread it a couple of times and see if you get what i'm sayin.....it just seems weird, bein' that itz an adjective, and that the small hooks are holding it.....especially since she reached up, so i imagined she reached up (by the way, reaching up means hands above head unless otherwise indicated [like, reaching up to someones face]) and so i was imagining she was reaching up to hooks like on a ceiling, holding her taut....which i read as a noun....although the next line somewhat clears up this line, itz still a stumper....
eh? she's thinking of Sandy i assume....but what?
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She tossed the physics defying lace off
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the word "physics" kinda kills the tone here....the entire tone is one of sexuality and tension and possibly regret, but "physics" gives it more of a mechanical feel...and although i can sense that this is somewhat mechanical for her (such as havin' the affair to get back at her husband) this tone isn't really there, so this word kinda sticks out....plus, itz an awkward word choice....
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Is it always this easy?
Oh gawd.
Why are you thinking?
I can’t help it.
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oooh.....okay, now that "SANDY" line above makes a lil' more sense....is this chick havin' split personalities that communicate, or an alter-ego of sorts....OOOOH, OOOOOH, OOOOOH....i likes
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Instead of peering over the hedge, she was strangely aware of the clothes sitting on the desks and tables on either side of her. The image of the two lovers on the bed faded and she was left in a familiar room with a queer sensation. It was as if she were sleepwalking; her body was moving without her, her head swiveling to take in the various bits of cloth hanging from the racks as she unwillingly walked through the hanging beads separating the floor from the dressing area. She recognized the store immediately and wanted to sob for it, but couldn’t.
“You know, I think there’s an inverse relationship between opacity and cost.”
If Sarah’s chin had been her own, it would have dropped. Sandy was standing there, just off to the right of her vision thumbing through clothes just as she had eight months before. “It seems like ‘the sheerer the fabric, the larger the bill.’ Oh my gawd! What are you wearing?”
“You like it?” Looking down at herself, Sarah’s body did a little turn and posed rather provocatively. She was on plain view to her friend, the clerks, and her own despairing self. All that she had done her utmost to keep hidden from public view, especially from male eyes, was on display through the thin lace of the brassiere and thong.
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okay....i think i got this.....um, the last line of the first of these "her lookin' down at the store" was very confusing, but i got that she's havin' some sort of "outer body experience" or sumtin, but then it shifts into like a memory, where a new scene is presented....this is somewhat of an odd change, and i think you could clarify it up a bit....but i think i got it....
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In any other store, she wouldn’t have been allowed to try anything on without purchasing them first
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eh? even in Fredericks of Hollywood you're allowed to try stuff on first....usually over your undergarments....but still
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You stop thinking… oh gawd, I’m going insane.
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she sure is....
HA!!!!! love the ending....overall, i really like it......i think the greatest thing you have is that once you start reading it, you can't stop....and thatz always a good thing.....but like, when Sandy died, i was like WHAT THE FUCK!!!! i didn't know where you were going with it.....so it was really, really good.....
but there's some things that can be worked on....for starters, it seemed that Sandy was an alter-ego, yet she wasn't....but it seems Sarah's conversing with her in her mind....why?
why does Sarah call her Sandy, but you also refer to her as Sandra? mixing formal and informal is kinda awkward.....i'd just stick with Sandy
um......the story was a lil' more "telling" than "showing" in some aspects....HOWEVER, even though that is likea big a no-no in the writing community, i think you pulled it off....you did some "showing", but you kept the imagery really down low, which makes it more "telling"......nonetheless, like i said, you pulled it off....i liked that i had no idea what any of the characters looked like, or what the setting really looked like.....
um....another thing, thoughts are italicized....now, writers are really divided about thoughts being italicized....some say itz okay, others hate it (myself included)....it gives somewhat of a "amateur" style when thoughts are italicized.....HOWEVER, i don't really see how you could do it any other way, so i'm okay with it personally.....but i thought i'd just toss that out there for ya....
you do have some bigger problems at hand....specifically the setting changes (her memories and such)......it really got confusing at times....at times i thought the man she was fuckin' was this Roger....and then i thought they were fuckin' and the television was on, sayin' Sandy's body has been found, and i was really confused....although in the end it all makes sense, reading through all this gets rather confusing.....you might want to clear this up a bit......
also, dialogue.....i'm a nazi when it comes to dialogue.....first off, there's no tag-lines, and although you want to avoid using tag-lines a lot, i think you need some, because at times it gets confusing recognizing who's speaking between Sarah and Sandy's conversation......also, a big key as to why this is confusing is they both have the same voice.....they both share the relatively same speech pattern and such.....now, i was okay with this at first because i thought Sarah and Sandy were the same person, but when it becomes evident they aren't, there's a problem with their voices.....you might wanna work with that.....there's some exercises i always suggest to people when concerning dialogue, because dialogue is every writer's weak spot.....the best exercise is to write down a conversation you are actually having with a friend....you'll definately see a difference.....and one thing you can do change voices is lil' tricks like Sandy says "ya" whereas Sarah says "you"....or Sandy would say "fuckin'" where Sarah would say "fucking"......these really help immensely......also, concerning with your dialouge, what they say seems a lil' not-real....most people don't actually talk like that....itz important to remember that writing dialogue isn't the same as writing the story...
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I’m sure, once she got her second wind, that Momma’d harrumph her way through the rest of the ceremony
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this quote really stood out as bein' unnatural......for example, who really says "harrumph" and how many people say "ceremony" as opposed to "wedding".....and it would sound more natural if it went: "I'm sure after Momma caught her breath..."
HOWEVER, this element of your dialogue didn't really bother me immensely.....their unnatural speech kinda gave it a unique feel...so i don't really know how i feel about it....on one hand itz something you might want to avoid, on the other hand it gives the overall conversation and story in general a unique feel and tone....and since this story has that already going for it (with the "telling" versus "showing" and the confusion) it works......
but i strongly suggest adding some tag-lines and working on Sarah's and Sandy's speech patterns.....
and one last thing that kind caught my attention.....i couldn't buy that Sarah was a virgin....i thought at first she was married and cheatin' on her husband, then i thought maybe she was a student and goin' to prom (which i think could be a kool idea to work with), but gettin' married, and a virgin, and buyin' sumtin' slutty-like, then fuckin' this random guy (even though itz evident why she's fuckin' this random guy) i didn't really buy......ALSO!!!! you're first line "baby, you're a grade-A cocksucker" kinda kills that whle virginal feel.....i mean, most virgins suck at sucking (if you know what i mean).....i mean, maybe she did have oral sex, but not actual intercourse, but her being a grade-A cocksucker, and wearin' sumtin' slutty, and the idea of her gettin' married, but remainin' a virgin....it just doesn't add up.....
overall though, i really, really, REALLY like this......itz very unique and definately catches your interest right off the bat and keeps your interest (although, the confusion here and there kinda makes read slower)......but yes, i too will applaud with Ditto....
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